GARY D. GADDY
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Dean Smith to coach Obama's team

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- Hall of Fame basketball coach Dean E. Smith announced today that he is coming out of his decade-long retirement to coach basketball again.  Smith will be taking the top job with the White House basketball team. 

The White House team, the 1600s, which plays in the top level of the Governmental Operations Federal Intra-Governmental Intramural and Recreational League, features President Barack Obama at shooting guard.

Smith, who will turn 77 next month and was the University of North Carolina head men's basketball coach for 36 years before his retirement in 1997, said that he was looking forward to coaching Obama.

"He's a cagey player," said Democrat House Whip Jim Clyburn of Obama.  "You watch him; all he does is drive to his left.  Then when you think you have him figured out, he's spinning to his right.  Pretty clever.  The better you scout the dude, the less likely you are to be able to defend him," said Clyburn.

Many observers have noted that Obama does seem more natural going to his left.  "Well, duh," said former Republican House Leader Newt Gingrich.  "He's a lefty.  Which way would you expect him to go?"

Smith said that he sees All-American potential in Obama.  Noting that although their bodies and their styles of play were quite distinct, Smith said he could see parallels between Obama and former Tar Heel great James Worthy -- quickness for one.

"Sometimes James would quickly fake one way, then quickly fake the other, then come back to where he started -- and get fouled because the defender was still on the first fake.  Obama does that a lot.  It's effective -- if you can make the free throws, which James didn't always do," said Smith.

Observers say Smith may have been enticed back into coaching by Obama’s larger vision for basketball in the public sphere.  They say Obama’s plan for the White House team is more than simply using it as an escape from the pressures of being a world leader and getting a little aerobic exercise.  Obama is said to be planning to begin by using basketball contests as substitutes for legislative battles.

"For a man who went to work between the swearing-in ceremony and sitting on the inaugural parade reviewing stand, this is the perfect way to re-capture the lost work time that would have accrued during his exercise period," said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

Obama's scheme is to use basketball contests as "championships" of the kind described in the Old Testament story of David and Goliath, where the teams are champions for their side and the basketball games will stand as surrogates for legislative contests.

As Goliath is quoted as saying, as he challenged the Israelites to send their best man forward to a mano-a-mano contest, "If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall you be our servants, and serve us."

This “champions” plan may explain why Obama insiders appear to have been angling to get former New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley, a basketball All-American who stands six foot five inches tall, appointed to fill Hillary Clinton's unexpired term as New York's junior senator.  Caroline Kennedy is 5' 6'' -- in heels.

The White House 1600s could use some help.  Currently 1-2 in non-conference, pre-season play, the 1600s lost in blow-outs to Rod Blagojevich's Illinois Sleaze team and, in their season opener, to a New Mexico team, the Ex-Govs, led by Bill Richardson.  (Insiders say the disparity in foul calls in both games have led some to suspect that the game officials were paid off.) 

The White House's only win came over the Senate Republicans, when the 1600s shut down the Old Right's offense altogether during their match up in the quadrennial Confirmation Classic.

When Smith, the author of the classic basketball text, Multiple Offense and Defense, was asked if he planned a "bi-partisan" approach during his new stint as coach, his response was quick, and accompanied by one of his classic referee-melting scowls.  "Not as long as Krzyzewski is a registered Republican," said Smith.

Asked if he thought this model for resolving conflicts could be broadened to include international affairs, for example our disputes with the Russian Federation, Smith said that would only be possible “if we get different officials, scorers and timekeepers than we had in the Munich Olympics in 1972.”

Smith's announcement ended the rumors that had been swirling about that University of North Carolina athletic director Dick Baddour was set to replace current UNC head coach Roy Williams "with a veteran coach."

 

Gary D. Gaddy, who, at age 10 or so, was injured before his first Optimist League game and used it as an excuse to drop off the team, and briefly considered going out for his high school's JV team, remembers going to his left only once in more than twenty-five years of pickup games in UNC's Woollen Gym.  It worked.

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday January 22, 2009.

Copyright   2009  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:39 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, February 18, 2009 7:11 AM EST
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Thursday, January 15, 2009
Brightest guy in the room

HERB SENDEK IS MAKING ME LOOK GOOD.  I said, when he was run out of town on a rail three years ago by the ever-thoughtful Wolfpack Nation, "In four or five years, Arizona State's basketball team will be better than NC State's."  (At the time ASU was one of the poorer major conference basketball programs in America.)

Well, according to the pollsters, whose job it is to figure these things out, ol' Herb (who is actually a young 45) has done it already.  In the latest AP poll, Sendek's Arizona State University Sun Devils rank 16 and in the ESPN/USA Today coaches poll they rank 15.  NC State received no votes.

In 2006 when Sendek left NC State for Arizona State he was well known as a coach who had run an impeccable program, whose players graduated, whose teams had averaged 21 victories and had posted five consecutive NCAA tournament appearances in his last five seasons.

So, why did Sendek leave?  Because many State fans wanted him gone.  Why were State fans so upset with him?  Mainly because he couldn't beat Mike Krzyzewski or Roy Williams.  Well, guess what?  Neither can anyone else.  Heck, they can't even beat each other.  Williams and Krzyzewski are five and five versus each other since Williams came to UNC.  These are two of the top ten coaches in the history of the game, the whole history of the game -- including Naismith.

What did State fans want Sendek to be?  Someone other than who he was -- most likely Jim Valvano.  In many respects, Herb Sendek was the anti-Valvano -- and that's not all bad.

We, including me, have many fond memories of Jim Valvano.  He was clever, engaging and one of the best off-the-cuff comedians you would ever want to meet.  I felt about him like one of my fellow UNC grad students, J. Walker Smith, who told me once the reason he stayed in school at UNC for his master's and Ph.D. was for Tar Heel basketball tickets.  He said, "Know what I hate most about Valvano?  He's so hard to hate!"

You had to like the guy -- for his post-game press conferences if nothing else.

Valvano also fought a courageous and inspiring battle against cancer – and left pretty much all of college basketball fighting it with him.

But Valvano could overreach and did.  He didn't run an impeccable program, bringing in, among others, the likes of Chris Washburn who was an embarrassment to his university.  And his coaching record, while good, wasn't on par with Williams or Krzyzewski either.

True, Sendek can come across like a sedated accountant.  In fact, if he were any more boring in his presentation, he would be Dean Smith.  Yep, that boring.  But, it pays to pay attention sometimes.  Like ol' Dean, Herb had very interesting and clear insights on the game of basketball -- but no Italian in his manner to spice up the presentation of them.

Meanwhile, Sendek was one of the smartest guys ever to coach a game involving a bouncing ball.  My evidence?  Sendek graduated summa cum laude, with a 3.95 GPA, from Carnegie-Mellon University. 

And Sendek is not just book smart -- though he is that.  One impartial witness “put it this way." Virginia Tech coach Seth Greenberg said of Sendek: "I've been in league meetings with Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski, and Herb was the brightest guy in the room."

And now he's lighting up the Arizona desert.

 

****
Hatchell shoots for 300th loss

CHAPEL HILL -- In the wake of the celebrations of her 800th victory as a women's basketball coach, Sylvia Hatchell has moved on to a new goal: 300 losses.  It may not be as easy as it sounds.

In the last four-and-one-half seasons, Hatchell's Lady Tar Heels have gone 130-13.  "The way I figure it, a loss must be ten times as tough to get as a win," basketball commentator Caroline Pack notes.  If Hatchell's teams continue winning at the rate they have over the last several seasons, it will take her nine years to get from 274 to the 300 loss milestone.  

What can Hatchell do to speed the time it takes to get to the magic 300?  TV analyst Debra D'Antonello observes that "the last thing that Hatchell tried, which any coach could tell you would cost you games, which is to stop caring about turnovers, has blown up in her face."

Said D'Antonello, "In the last few years Hatchell's teams have had more turnovers than Carter has little pills -- and they are winning even more."

The experts speculated on why Hatchell wasn't setting a more easily attainable goal, like say 275 or 280 losses. "I don't know really.  It just seems like big round numbers make better targets," Pack said.


Gary D. Gaddy has one win and no losses on his coaching resume

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday January 15, 2009.

Copyright   2009  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:30 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 8:17 AM EST
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Thursday, January 8, 2009
Local writer treated for imperfection

 

Due to an unexpected hospitalization, the Local Voices column usually appearing in this space will not appear this week.  The Chapel Hill Herald editorial staff hopes that its readers be will understanding during this difficult time and bear with us until the column returns.  The following news story may help clarify the nature of Dr. Gaddy's absence, the prognosis for his recovery and the timing of his return.

GARY D. GADDY, the Chapel Hill Herald's leading Thursday columnist, has been hospitalized since Sunday evening in the University of North Carolina Hospitals' Infectious Disease Treatment Unit.  Gaddy, 58, has what one UNC doctor called one of the worst cases of imperfection infection that he has seen in 21 years of medical practice.

The imperfection disorder, which is caused by the virus T.H. imperfectiviridae, is a seasonal illness which breeds among crowds in large indoor spectating venues.  It is usually not fatal.

Dr. Bernard T. Fingleton, a noted psychopathologist, who spent two decades at the University Medical Center of Southern Nevada in Las Vegas, said he thought that Gaddy's distress may have been enhanced by the fact that he deliberately delayed his direct exposure to the imperfection virus while dining out with friends.  Imperfectiviridae infections, it seems, are a cross between physical retroviruses and computer viruses and thus can be transmitted electronically.

"It's not, however, a virtual disease.  It's real.  Just ask anybody who has suffered a bout of it.  It sucks the life right out of you," said Fingleton.

Fingleton said the last time he saw anything like this outbreak was April 1, 1991.  That epidemic was at the time termed the Runless Rebless Syndrome.  "It seemed like a bad April Fool's joke -- but it wasn't," said Fingleton.

"Until full recovery is achieved, it is hard to see how anyone could make a single chuckle-worthy joke much less produce a humor-filled column," said Neil Offen, past editor of the Chapel Hill Herald.

Still, this is not one of those "it only hurts when I laugh kind of syndromes," according to Dr. Fingleton.  "You can't laugh after a serious imperfection infection, certainly not anyone who had been previously exposed to the precursor perfection expectation virus (T.H.-b perfectusexpectusviridae)."

The expectation virus, say researchers, lowers the body's natural immune system defenses so that it becomes more susceptible to imperfectiviridae infections.

Around 7:30 pm on Sunday the hospital's emergency room was flooded with walk-in patients with imperfectus.  "Many of individuals said that they were sitting on top of the world when, in a period of two hours, the world collapsed out from under them," reported Jan Bonnet, a receptionist at UNC Hospitals.

"The refrain we heard was almost universal," said Liza Botts, an emergency-room nurse.  "They'd say, 'Just a couple of hours ago, I felt perfect.  Now this,'" she said.  Botts described treating cheerleaders with their hair-ribbons untied, other students with smeared facepaint, several older males with their shirt-tails hanging out.  "They were a mess," Botts said.

Although Gaddy was by far the most notable individual person to fall to the disorder, he was hardly the only one.

One other newsworthy individual who was treated, but cannot be mentioned by name due to the federal health privacy regulations, was described variously by sources as a local attorney, a former United States senator, a former candidate for vice president and a former candidate for president.

A source familiar with this individual said that in her years of acquaintance she had never seen him in a state like this before.  "I swear his hair was mussed," said Diane Cling, a secretary at the UNC School of Law.

The outbreak seems to be localized as Duke University Medical Center in Durham has not reported any significant up tick in imperfection infection cases.  Duke physician Ganji Gupta said he has seen a few but "many more cases of free-form euphoria than imperfectus."

After talking to colleagues at UNC, Gupta said, "I don't think we have seen anything like what they are seeing there at UNC here at Duke since December 2000."

Dr. Graeme Greene, an epidemiologist affiliated with Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, says that they will be on the watch for an outbreak in Winston-Salem next weekend.

Gaddy's wife, who received only a half dose of exposure to the imperfection infection, was treated and released after several hours.  Doctors said that she will likely not suffer long-term consequence of significance -- as long as she plays her generally cheery banjo only in minor keys until late March or early April when the possibility of re-infection within this annual cycle disappears.

A family spokesperson said that Dr. Gaddy is requesting that in lieu of flowers donations be made to the RoyHasToGo.com website and that in lieu of cards or other condolences individuals should post appropriate comments on the website's Bash-Roy Blog.

 
Gary D. Gaddy hopes to return to writing his regular humor column sometime during 2009.

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday January 8, 2009.

Copyright 2009 Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:29 AM EST
Updated: Tuesday, January 6, 2009 8:37 PM EST
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Thursday, January 1, 2009
Irony of ironies: An ironic column

AS A WRITER  I USE WORDS ALL THE TIME.  In fact, even when I wasn't a writer I used words all the time.  As a professor of journalism I was paid to correct the errors in the words of students who aspired to become journalists whose profession's role is, at least in part, to correct the errors of others.  I’m still kind of in that habit.

So, my recommendation is that most people stop using the words irony, ironic and ironically.  At the least, they should until they learn how to use them un-ironically.

I say this because the word irony and its derivatives are probably used incorrectly more often than they are used correctly.  This even though it is an erudite term that you would think would only be used by the erudite.

And I’m not the only one who sees irony being contorted on a daily basis.  The Urban Dictionary says that irony is "one of the most misused words in the entire English language."   Irony is a subtle concept.  Obviously most people don't get it.

What is irony?  According to Wikipedia,  “irony (from the ancient Greek eironeía, meaning hypocrisy, deception, or feigned ignorance) is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what one says or does, and what one means or what is generally understood.  Irony is a mode of expression that calls attention to discrepancy between two levels of knowledge.  In fiction, it is a demonstration of the distance between the character's knowledge and that of the audience."

Most current uses of the term irony merely reference odd coincidence or something simply unfortunate.

For example, nothing described in Alanis Morissette’s hit song "Ironic," which is supposed about how ironic life is, is in fact ironic.  Isn't that ironic?  "A black fly in your Chardonnay" isn't ironic.  As an example of irony, it is not ironic; it's moronic.

Now here's some more irony.  Irony Central (ironycentral.com) says "Any humor inadvertently contained in these pages is brought to you by the concept of irony. To us crazy kids, saying the opposite of what we really mean or think, i.e. irony, is funny."

As one observer noted of this passage, "Ironically, that site’s editor apparently believes you can achieve irony by merely stating the opposite of what you believe -- even if you tell the reader that you are doing exactly that."

Further, from the www.answerbag.com, voted as the "best example" of irony was that the first video ever played on MTV was "Video killed the radio star."  This is could be, maybe, mildly ironic.  It is really mostly an un-coincidence since an MTV programmer made a deliberate decision to run that "ironic" video.

(Now if DJ Casey Kasem was killed in the filming of the "Video killed the radio star" video, now that would be ironic.)

Another real-life example of actual irony, cited on www.answerbag.com, is this: "Online pop-ups offering to help you get rid of online pop-ups."

Journalist Jon Winokur gave this exhibit of irony in an article that ran in the Los Angeles Times Sunday, February 11, 2007, entitled "You call that irony?"  A 2001 Father’s Day tribute on ESPN featured “How Sweet It Is (to be Loved by You),” performed by Marvin Gaye, who was shot and killed by his father in 1984.

I suggest it would be ironic if the Center for Handicap Accessibility had no wheelchair ramp.

Another example of situational irony, from the website examples-help.org.uk, comes from "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

But first, a Coleridge quiz:  Finish this familiar quatrain: "Water, water, every where, / And all the boards did shrink; / Water, water, every where . . ."  Think for a moment before you read further.

If you said, "And not a drop to drink," you, like 95% of the people to whom I have given this quiz, are wrong.  (Only two people got it right, my mother, who is one of the smartest people I ever met, and someone else, whose name at this moment I cannot remember.)

Anyway, the actual line from Coleridge is this: "Nor any drop to drink."

But, back to the task at hand, the situation of Coleridge's mariners is ironic because they are surrounded by water -- but dying of thirst.

But irony isn't dead.  In the New York Times Andy Newman in the article "Irony Is Dead. Again. Yeah, Right" notes that word irony has been steadily disappearing from New York daily newspapers for a decade. Between 2000 to 2008, appearances of the word “irony” and its cognates tumbled 56 percent.

But he notes: "The analysis may have its flaws.  For one thing, the search algorithm also, ironically, picked up phrases like 'end of irony.'  More significantly, no self-respecting ironist actually uses the word “ironic,” except, perhaps, ironically."


Ironist Gary D. Gaddy, ironically, writes ironic columns every once in a while.

A version of this article appeared in the January 1, 2009 editon of the Chapel Hill Herald.

Copyright  2009  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:00 AM EST
Updated: Saturday, June 6, 2009 6:09 PM EDT
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Friday, December 26, 2008
Learning the Goldsmith Variations

FRED GOLDSMITH, you may or may not remember, was the head football coach at Duke from 1994 to 1998.   We commemorate this month the 10th anniversary of his firing. 

Goldsmith was the 1994 Bobby Dodd National Coach of the Year for NCAA Division I football -- for coaching football at Duke!  At a Duke home basketball game in 1994, Coach Goldsmith was introduced to a roaring ovation that was far louder than anything the Duke men's team or its coach received that day.

But that ray of football light quickly dipped below the dimming horizon, as in just a few short years, the once-heralded Goldsmith was dispatched to outer darkness -- out of football altogether until 2001 when he became the head coach at Franklin High School in Macon County, North Carolina.

Duke football has not always been synonymous with the term loser.  During the 21 seasons from 1945 to 1965, Duke had a winning record 17 times, went to 13 bowls (and that was back when bowl bids weren't handed out like popcorn to every team with a non-losing record).

But Duke has had but one winning season since 1990 -- the 1994 campaign under Goldsmith.  It was part of his undoing.

What lessons can be learned from the Fred Goldsmith years?   The most important Goldsmith Variation is this:  If you are a coach, don't over-accomplish early.  If you're going to win -- don't do it right off the bat.  The general principle is to not get ahead early "in the game" in any sport at all unless you're going to win from then on out.

Consider this: An early big lead in a game which turns into a loss is a termed "a choke."  Conversely, with the same final score, an early big deficit followed by a very good second half is a "great comeback" that fell just short.

Likewise, a big early lead in the conference schedule followed by poor results is "a collapse."  Conversely, with the same final overall conference record, a poor early result followed by success later in the year is "saving a season."  (See the NC State football team in 2008.)

Finally, great early success in a coaching career at a particular school, followed by mediocre results, is a "failure to move the program forward."  Conversely, with the same final overall coaching record, with early mediocrity followed by success later is "building a program." (Compare Fred Goldsmith who started 8-1 to Mack Brown who started 2-20.)

Among the Goldsmith Variations is the more general Principle of Recency.  That is: “What have you done for me lately?” The only game result that really counts is the latest one.  If you don't believe that, consider a coach who wins almost every game in whatever sport, whatever level, makes it to the championship game year after year but loses it.  He is not a winner.  He's a goat, who "can't win the big one."  He's a loser.

If you don't believe that fans could be so narrow minded and short sighted, consider the Minnesota Vikings who went to three Super Bowls in four years, or the Buffalo Bills who went to four in a row, but lost them all.  They are considered not "almost great" teams.  They were not called very good teams who happened to meet better.  They are called losers.

So, have our local coaches learned from Goldsmith?  Yes, but some better than others. 

Jim Grobe of Wake got off to a poor start, that is a good one, by going 6-5 and 7-6, but before it was too late lowered expectations by going 4-7, 4-7 and 5-7.  Then Wake went 11-3, 9-4 and then 8-5, which is good except now he's going downhill.

Butch Davis at UNC went 4-8 in his first season, then went 8-4, which is good except that this year he started 6-1, which is good -- which is bad -- since he after that he went 3-3.

NCSU's Tom O'Brien this season went 6-6 after going 5-7 last, which is mediocre but since he started 2-6 then went 4-0 to end this season, the fans are really happy.

Duke's David Cutcliffe didn't get the kinks worked out quickly starting 3-1 (in danger of committing a basic Goldsmith) but then righted himself going 1-7 for the rest of the season..  He was thinking ahead.  Going 4-8 this season, he can go 6-6 next year and look like a world beater.

So how have our "Big Four" coaches done overall?   Let us use the only meaningful measuring stick that there is in major college athletics: dollars.  In the last two years three of the four have received raises and/or contract extensions -- and the fourth, Tom O'Brien, will be receiving one shortly, I will wager.

But the real question is this, "Did Fred Goldsmith learn?"  You decide.  Hired in 2006 as head coach at Lenoir-Rhyne College, his Bears finished 2-9, but as school website says "the future bodes well."

Gary D. Gaddy would like wish Christmas blessings on all of his readers, even those who root for the wrong teams.

A version of this article appeared in the December 25, 2008 editon of the Chapel Hill Herald.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 5:05 PM EST
Updated: Wednesday, March 4, 2009 8:31 AM EST
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Thursday, December 18, 2008
Toilet paper and other crises

AS A ONE-TIME SCHOLAR of mass communication, I say that the daily papers (and other news media) may be part of our current economic crisis.  Their own economic troubles aside -- and daily newspapers are in a major crisis themselves right now only partly related to general economic conditions -- the mass media are part of our economic woes.

As the news media continually beat the drum of a potentially deepening recession, they not only inform us of the current state of things, they also help shape some of those very same conditions they cover.

I'll start with the paradox of thrift, an economic proposition made by economist John Maynard Keynes.  The paradox of thrift says that if consumers start saving more money during times of recession, then aggregate demand will fall (and with it the economy as a whole which will in turn lower total savings by the population, thus the paradox).

So, says Keynes, saving in lean times will make things worse for the economy as a whole.  Saving, which is good for the economy in good times, thus becomes detrimental hoarding in bad times.

Further, falling consumer confidence is not only an indicator of an incipient recession; it is one of the causes.  When consumers are worried about a coming gloomy economy, they act as if it has already come and in doing so make it happen.

So, what do the media have to do with a recession?  In emphasizing, focusing on and even exaggerating the economic threats ahead, the media are part of the problem, battering the consumer confidence that can be a bulwark against a downward spiral.

Don't think the media have such power?  A simple, silly example will show, in one very limited arena, how one particular media figure with a few words caused a miniature economic crisis, one you may or may not remember:  The great toilet paper shortage of 1973.

This little economic footnote started entirely in the media.  On December 19, 1973, Johnny Carson told a joke for that evening's show about a new commodity shortage about to hit America.  (That being the era of nationwide gasoline shortages, precipitated by the OPEC oil embargo, the subject was topical.)

Carson made this not-very-funny joke in his monologue: "You know what's disappearing from the supermarket shelves?  Toilet paper.  There's an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States."  What happened next was the real joke.

While Carson’s bit was intended to be humorous -- there was no toilet paper shortage -- some of the estimated 20 million people watching Carson’s show that night took him seriously, ran out the next morning and bought as much toilet paper as they could carry.  By noon that day, stores all across America were out of stock.  Some even tried to ration this now precious commodity but to no avail.

A few nights later, Carson apologized to his viewers, explaining that there was no shortage.  But, by this time, he was well-intentioned but wrong as his comedy had morphed into prophecy.  As other consumers had noticed the empty toilet paper shelves, they panicked and bought even more.  It took three weeks before the shelves were fully stocked again -- and our long national nightmare was over.

Well, a toilet paper shortage is a joke -- but a recession made worse isn’t.

A little more personal example comes from the late 1970s, when my grandmother was in her eighties.  She lived in fear of violent crime.  She kept a starter pistol, which shoots blanks, in her nightstand next to her bed.  Why?  Because her TV news came from Charlotte, which at the time was reputed to have a higher per capita murder rate than the then very violent New York City.  What that had to do with safety in the little town of Maiden an hour's drive away, I think, was very little.  But her fear was real -- and as dangerous as her pistol was phony.

Now I can’t say that media’s fear-filled coverage of the economy has been extremely misleading -- because neither I nor anyone else knows what the future holds for the economy.  Nobody knows how bad this recession will be.  What I do know is that it will be worse than it would have been if the media weren't so relentlessly focused on every bad report.

But I am not the first to notice this.  "This great nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."  This was Franklin Roosevelt in his first inaugural address in 1932.

As sage an observation now as it was then.

 

Gary D. Gaddy has a Ph.D. from the University of North Carolina’s School of Journalism and Mass Communication.

A version of this article appeared in the December 18, 2008 editon of the Chapel Hill Herald.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:26 AM EST
Updated: Tuesday, January 4, 2011 9:18 PM EST
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Thursday, December 11, 2008
Finally, Dorrance wins "The Big One"

FINALLY, UNC WOMEN'S SOCCER COACH Anson Dorrance got his team into a game that counted, a big game, and a game where his team wasn't favored -- then won it.  About time, I'd say.

OK, I know what you Pollyannas are saying:  But didn't his teams win 18 NCAA national championships before last Sunday's upset victory over Notre Dame?  Well, of course they did -- but please note that almost all of those teams were favored.  Who can't coach a win against an underdog?

Finally, a Dorrance-led UNC squad has beaten a team that has beaten them.  Year after year UNC wins national championships -- but only after beating teams they have already beaten.  In 30 years of varsity play, all under Dorrance, UNC is 672-33-2. With teams like that it doesn't take much coaching, coach.  Just send'em out saying, "Whatever you did last time, do it again."

I will admit, because the record shows it is so, that Dorrance's teams can win and have won -- when they were picked to win.  But who couldn't do that?  Many careful and scientific post-hoc studies of competitive sports show that the better team always wins.

You don't have to be a great coach to "lead" your great team to victory over a mediocre one.  You can just stand there with your arms crossed -- like Dorrance usually does.  Dorrance has described himself as a "women's soccer cheerleader."  With that placid arm-crossed pose, I'll tell you he's not much of one.

Sorry, Dorrance but most of your championships don't really amount to much.  Who couldn't win with Mia Hamm, Kristine Lilly, Tisha Venturini Cindy Parlow, Cat Reddick, Heather O'Reilly and now Casey Nogueira?  Just trot'em out on the field and say, "Go get'em, girls!"  That's about all you have to do.

OK, so Dorrance has "coached" UNC to 20 national championships -- if you include the one from the AIAW, whatever that is, that UNC won back before the NCAA realized women could play soccer.  Real coaching, by a real coach, doesn't consist of leading a team of winners to a win.  Like what else were they going to do?  Real coaching consists of taking losers and eaking out a totally improbable victory with completely improbable plays. 

The late Jim Valvano won playing Chuck Nevitt.  Now that takes talent -- not from Chuck Nevitt, mind you -- unless you count being seven-foot-five-inches tall as talent.  While Nevitt was with the Detroit Pistons, the last minutes of Detroit blow-outs were termed "Nevitt Time."  Sports Illustrated nicknamed him "The Human Victory Cigar."  In nine NBA seasons, Nevitt played for a total of 826 minutes, which equates to less than 18 complete NBA games.

(But Nevitt may be the ultimate example of being in the right place at the right time.  Besides being a member of the NC State 1983 NCAA championship team, Nevitt was on the Los Angeles Lakers 1985 NBA championship roster.)

Meanwhile, Dorrance won a national championship this year on what he himself called "world-class finishes" by Casey Nogueira.  The NFL's legendary Lou "The Toe" Groza didn't have a foot like Nogueira -- much less two of them.  Casey's game-tying goal came off her right foot, while her game-winning goal came off her left.

"On the greatest platform we have, which is the national championship final, she (Nogueira) scored two of the most phenomenal goals I've ever seen," said Dorrance after the game.  So what was Dorrance doing at the time?  Watching, obviously.  Winning on two "phenomenal goals" doesn't amount to much, if you ask me.  Jim Valvano won a national championship on an air ball.  Now that's coaching!

I would like to say that Dorrance's greatest victory finally came in a game against a rival and maybe now he will see the foolishness of being "without peer year after year."  (Not that fans like me are about to put up with our beloved Tar Heels losing twice in a row to another team again like we did to Notre Dame.)

But to tell the truth, Dorrance, you haven't even done a good job creating a rivalry.  Sounds pretty rivalrous that UNC and Notre Dame are 4-4-2 all time in games other than national championship finals, doesn't it?   But, after Sunday, UNC is 5-0 in championship games.  What kind of rivalry is that?

Just stick to being dominant, Anson.  Face it; it's the only thing you're really good at.

 

Gary D. Gaddy always roots for the underdog to pull off an upset -- except when his team is favored.

A version of this article appeared in the December 11, 2008 editon of the Chapel Hill Herald.   

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:09 AM EST
Updated: Friday, February 18, 2011 11:03 AM EST
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Thursday, December 4, 2008
My most favoritest home game

MY LOVELY AND SPORTS-LOVING WIFE Sandra and I go to almost every UNC home football game.  We often sit in the Pope box because, well, we need to.  Don't get me wrong the "free" food's OK (if you like hotdogs).  The overhead fans are nice (in August.).  The heaters are useful in November (when they remember to turn them on).  And the shelter from the rain is something that allows you to observe without actually participating in the weather.  All in all it's like watching at home on big screen TV.

We get to sit on the other side of the stadium in the open air with actual fans sometimes.  We like it better.  The roar of the facepaint and the smell of the crowd simply seem more authentic.  But the games where we sit over in the plebian seats, those are not our favorite home game either.

Our most favoritest home games would be the ones Duke University is kind enough to host every two years.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think they are being that nice.  If they were they wouldn't have started charging so much for tickets, or having us park over a mile and a half away.  (And, I know this for sure, my wife would never have guests over with our bathrooms looking like theirs do.)

The first “at Duke” game Sandra and I attended together was while she was still a student at Duke Law School.  (Don’t believe my Tar-Heel-born, Tar-Heel-bred wife could ever attend such a place?  Well, she has a sweat shirt to prove it.)  We sat on the "Duke" side of the stadium.  She tried to act decorously that first game.  At one point she turned and asked me, "How do they know we're Carolina fans?"  My response:  "Maybe because you jumped up and whooped on our last touchdown?"

It’s not particularly dangerous being a Carolina fan in Wallace Wade.  There are way too many of us and they are way too beat down. (Cameron, the Indoor Stadium, is another story altogether.  And Carter-Finley?  You may want to up the payout on your life insurance before buying your tickets if you plan on wearing Carolina Blue there.)

But back to Duke/UNC.  For the last fifteen years all the games, pretty much, have been the same game.  The Devils are motivated, despite their record coming into the game -- because it's "a one game season" or "this will be their bowl game."  Every year it has been an opportunity for the Boys in Dismal Blue to spend the summer not thinking about the 10 or 11 loses and instead to reflect on the glorious upset of the Heels.

The Tar Heels are motivated too.  A loss means humiliation, almost every year, because Duke is, well, Duke.  A loss to Duke means a dark blue cloud will hang over the team until September.

The games are always hard fought.  Pride is on the line and pride seems to motivate.  (If you don't believe me, wait until next year when the Tar Heels play the Wolfpack of NC State who took their heads off this year in Kenan Stadium, stunning everyone in attendance including the Pack players themselves.)

Here’s the way the Duke/UNC football games go.  Duke starts strong, takes the lead, battles all the way, and is in position to win right up to the last play.  Only one problem for Duke, it doesn't happen.

One year it’s a missed field goal.  One year it’s a blocked extra point.  One year it is a Carolina field goal as time expires.  This year, with a first and ten at the Carolina twenty with less than a minute to go, the game ended with Carolina intercepting a pass on fourth down with 16 seconds left – and all in a cold, dreary rain.

Boy, was it fun!

(But the days of poor Duke are about done.  As long as David Cutcliffe is the coach, Duke will be no one’s cake walk.  Trust me on this.)

****

While I am without a doubt a fan, don’t let me overestimate myself.  I am no Randolph Few.  Mr. Few was the last surviving son of William Preston Few, the first President of Duke University.  Mr. Few, who was born October 6, 1920, died on October 14, 2008 – which was about the only thing that would keep him from a Duke home game.

Few was a rare breed, a loyal and devoted fan of Duke sports, and not just a basketball fan but a fervent football fan as well. The only games he missed in Wallace Wade Stadium were during World War II and two more games due to poor health.  Last week's game in would have been his 80th Duke-Carolina football game.

Fans of any color will miss him.

Gary D. Gaddy once played Randolph Few in tennis when Few was older than 75 and Gaddy was less than 45.  Few kicked his butt.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday December 4, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:00 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, December 7, 2008 9:26 PM EST
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Thursday, November 27, 2008
Ending spousal abuse: A memoir

I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, especially in so public a forum, but I think others like me, if there are any, could benefit from my honesty.  For over ten years my wife beat me on a regular basis.

I can't say I shouldn't have seen it coming.  On our first date, she beat me badly.  Like many who find themselves in this situation, I said I wouldn't let it happen again.  And then for the next ten years while I tried to stop her, I couldn't.  Finally, I received professional help.  The lesson I got giving me a two-handed backhand really helped a lot.

You see, I met my wife on a tennis court. (Actually in the parking lot on the way to the tennis court, but that kinda clutters up the story, don't you think?)  Not being a smart woman -- in some particular ways -- she beat the tar out of me on the court that morning.  I didn't win a single game.  (I later realized she was going easy on me.)  She didn't even appear to realize that no man worthy of the name, having been humiliated like that by a woman on a first date, would even consider seeing her again.

We went on our second date that afternoon.  (We went to one half of a high school play, with my teenage son -- for the record, which it must be -- the lamest second date in all of the history of dating.)

Sandra said soon after our first tennis match that she thought that I would be beating her "in a year."  Wrong again.  It was almost 10 years before I beat her in anything other than a match that was obviously an unsustainable fluke.

I finally did catch up after a decade -- but that only so far as to be able to compete with her -- not dominate her like any self-respecting man would want to do after 10 years of ego-degrading humiliations.

I will admit she has had a good attitude about my closing the gap on her.  Here's the way she puts it.  If she wins, she wins.  If I win, it means her doubles partner is getting better. So, she says, she can't lose.  (My wife is the master of many things but she is the queen of the rationalization.)

I just want to give fair public warning to my lovely and talented wife:  Get the rationalizer up and running because I am coming by you like Jimmy Johnson driving the Lowe's # 48 car.  I am about to get my two-handed backhand back.

(You are probably wondering where it went.  Answer: I lost it playing basketball.  While blocking a shot with my left hand, I injured my left shoulder.  The worst part of this injury -- beyond even losing use of my left arm for my two-handed tennis backhand?  I put my hand on top of the ball as the man I was guarding went up to make a lay up, and I got picked up off the floor, tearing my rotator cuff -- and the sucker made the shot anyway.)

Last time I got any tennis instruction, after one lesson, I learned a passable two-handed backhand.  Actually, it took less than one lesson.  Fewer than 20 minutes into the 45-minute session, my backhand was the best it had ever been.

So, with one highly instructive lesson from any one of the many fine instructors in the McDonald Group at the Hollow Rock Racquet and Swim Club, you'll be be stickin' to pickin' on your banjo instead of pickin’ on my backhand, sweetie.

Square my body to the ball.  Racquet back.  Brush up the back of the ball.  Up and over.  Whomp!  And follow through.  Here it comes, darling.  Your day is finally done.

 

Gary D. Gaddy is good loser -- too good, his wife sometimes thinks.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November 27, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:01 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, March 4, 2009 8:38 AM EST
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Thursday, November 20, 2008
Losers -- in the Losers' Bracket

MY WIFE IS A LOSER.  Or at least she is since she met me.  (Which may explain why we have grocery bags full of tennis trophies in our basement, very few of which have a date of 1994 or beyond.  This may be explained, in part, by the fact that her high school boyfriend, and sometime tennis partner, was at one time ranked in tennis in the state of Florida, while her current husband, and sometime tennis partner, is at times rank in tennis in the state of North Carolina.

Here's the current story on our dearth of up-to-date tennis trophies.  Sandra and I entered the Hollow Rock Club Championship last Saturday.  There were to be two divisions:  3.5 and below, and 4.0 and above.  Since the both of us, according to the United States Tennis Association (which ought to know), are benchmark 3.5 players, we entered the 3.5 and below division -- with aspirations to win.  That is, we hoped to show ourselves to be the top of the bottom, that is, right in the middle.  Since I am, as previously demonstrated in this space, "Hollow Rock's Most Mediocre Player," I felt confident that I could uphold my part of the bargain.

Then our hopes collapsed along with the divisions.  Due to low turnout, the two divisions were smushed into one.  This was not good.  We would be competing with actual tennis players.

I formulated a new hope: my next column would be entitled "Winners -- in the Losers' Bracket!"  This journey would begin with a competitive match against a better team -- which we would lose -- sending us into the losers' bracket, where we win against a series of measly teams who couldn't even make it out of the first round.

We prepared, as any dedicated tennis team would, by going on a diet, starting the night before, then heading out in the morning to Reno Sharpe's Store in the greater Goldston area of southwest Chatham County to a bluegrass jam.  (If you don't believe me, go to YouTube and search for "Reno Sharpe" to see a jerky video of "I Wonder Where You Are Tonight," which Sandra recorded while I was putting our instruments in the car.  Since this is a country song, and we aren't pictured in the video, what it will prove, I don't know -- but we were there.)

We returned to Hollow Rock just in time for the tournament, as our first-round opponents were announced.  "Oh, no, not Molly and Noah's dad!"

Molly Beachum, despite being cute, athletic and politically correct, is mistake prone -- making at least one unforced error every year.  Noah's dad is, well, Noah's dad.  In 2007 Noah Constantine was, for example, the runner-up in the age 11 and under division of the North Carolina Junior State Closed Championships.  How good is his dad?  Mark says he can still beat Noah.

Our fears were well founded.  First set, 6-0, Constantine and Beachum.  Then, our nefarious strategy took hold -- they went to sleep.  Next thing you know our wind-blown lobs were dropping in and it was 5-5 -- and they were sweating more than we were.  But reality snuck back on the court and we lost 7-5.  We were in the vaunted losers' bracket.

Our next-round opponents were the Irish Terry O'Regan and the English Jenny Rousseau.  As usual it took me a while to figure out that Jenny was left-handed.  (You would think it would be sign enough when she hit the first ball in warm-ups with the racquet in her left hand.  Not for me.)

Early on Mr. O'Regan made some unforced errors and got ticked off at himself.  Being the opportunists that we are, we took his discontent with his game as a personal affront, stayed motivated and won 6-1 and 6-3.

So, to the championship match, in the losers' bracket, pitted against Sue Long and Steve Kennedy.  Sue is steady, trading shots with you until you make a mistake.  Steve is more of winners-or-losers kind of player.  Give him a shot to work with and he blasts it, and either he wins or he loses.  Usually he wins.

The match started evenly, especially because Steve was making more than his usual share of errors.  Then things turned.  Steve's regular partner, Johanna, showed up to watch the match.  Just as you would expect, he started focusing better and we started losing more.  We lost the first set 4-6.  Then opportunity rang -- in the form of Johanna's cell phone.  She walked off to take the call.  Steve quickly lapsed again into double-faults and unforced errors.

We were on our way to winning the second set and into third-set tiebreaker, when Johanna showed back up.  It was over for us, 4-6 again.  So, there we were:  losers -- in the losers' bracket.

 

Gary D. Gaddy, part of five league championship tennis teams in the past five seasons, has no trophies to show for any of them

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November 20, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:57 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, November 19, 2008 9:04 AM EST
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Thursday, November 13, 2008
Satan goes out at the "top of his game"

DURHAM -- Satan announced today that he is stepping down immediately as the primary force for evil in this world.  No word has been given on any of his possible replacements.

Satan, or Beelzebub as he is sometimes known, moved easily among the large crowd of media representatives congregated in Cameron Indoor Stadium on the campus of Duke University.  In a style reminiscent of TV host Phil Donohue, Satan made a few opening remarks then continued by taking questions and speaking off the cuff.

Satan, wearing a crisply pressed, solid black Lord & Taylor's suit, began with prepared remarks but quickly dropped them.  "I want to cut right to the chase," he began.  "I am out and I am not coming back."

"I know that will disappoint many -- but that is the way it is.  Get used to it," he continued.  "I feel like I have fomented all of the division and hatred that any one being could foment in one lifetime.

"I do not want to be one of those who hangs around and hangs around until even my former supporters are trying to push me out," he said.  "I always thought that Jim Brown [Editor's note: Brown is the football Hall of Fame fullback who played for the Cleveland Browns] who went out when he was still the best player in football -- did it the classy way.

"Another reason I feel like now would be a good time is that I have, I feel, done such a good job in grooming others to carry on my work, my legacy, I like to call it, that I feel like I can just sit back and watch them finish.

"I am especially happy with what I have done with religion.  My work in Islam has been superb, in my opinion. Anytime you can get mothers sending out their own children to be blown up in God's name, as the Devil you have to feel good about yourself.

"I have put nuclear weapons in the hands of nuts. I have inspired a world filled with so much greed it makes me jealous.  Countries filled with fat people sit next to countries filled with starving people.  Does anybody really think I can do any better than this?  I am not a modest being, as you may have noticed, and even I do not.

"In my opinion, the political season has been very good this year for me. When you can get one purported Christian calling another purported Christian 'godless,' you know things are going your way.  But do not get me wrong when I called these folks 'purported' Christians; rare is the one who calls himself a Christian and is worthy of the name. 

"Listen, I know Jesus Christ.  I have talked to Jesus face to face.  Jesus has been my personal enemy.  And these people are no Jesus Christs."

Stepping into the crowd, Satan continued. "I want to speak directly to those in the news media as I know many of you are distraught at the prospect of working without me.  I know most of you will miss me when I am gone.  I know I have been one of your more reliable newsmakers for a long time.  And do not think that I have not appreciated your bias toward bad news. I always liked a detailed story on a bloody coup, gruesome mass murder or genocide as much as the next guy.

"Still, I promise I am not the only force for evil on earth.  Trust me on this.  If you do not, check out the Internet where every perversity known to humanity is available to every eight-year old 24-7.  Pretty slick."

When asked about his retirement plans, Satan, pausing, became meditative. "Well, I am going to Hell, obviously. But let me say this about that. Hell gets a very bad rap. Granted the weather is not great; it’s almost as bad as Fayetteville in August.  But as far as evil goes, Hell is hardly any different from any world-class city I have been in -- which is my point here today.  Not much more left for me to do, do you think?"

With that statement, Satan walked down from the podium toward the home locker room, disappearing into a dark cloud of smoke.

Aileen Nodeus, spokesperson for the Godless Americans Political Action Committee, said she had mixed emotions about Satan's announcement.  "Right from the top, Godless Americans don't like acknowledging Satan's existence, since that seems to imply a god.  But let's take things like they are: We don't need this Satan guy anymore than we need a god.  And stuff Satan claims as 'his work,' like evicting God from the public schools, guess what, I never saw single one of his amicus briefs -- that was our work."

 

Gary D. Gaddy, who never thought he was a big fan of Satan, used to do some pretty decent work on his behalf.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November 13, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, November 12, 2008 1:27 PM EST
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Thursday, November 6, 2008
Bad blood: A blue blood feud

I HATE TO OPEN OLD WOUNDS -- but, hey, we are heading fast into basketball season -- and I always was bad about picking at a scab.

When two of the blue bloods of college basketball meet we expect blood on the floor figuratively, but not literally.  In recent memory there has been a lot of bad blood between the Duke and North Carolina men's basketball teams, but mostly that has just been a figure of speech.

But not always.  "Don't make Eric bleed."  That was my advice to Tar Heel opponents in the 1990 to 1994 era.   Eric Montross was a very nice player when he played for Carolina -- too nice.  Eric still is one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet.  (For a point of reference, he's in the Hubert-Davis class.)

But as Duke should have learned: “Don't make Eric bleed.”  Eric was nice player when not hemorrhaging; a great player when he was.  Montross scored 12 points, grabbed nine rebounds and blocked three shots while bleeding from two different cuts on his head in a UNC victory over Duke in 1993.  (You may remember the famous picture with a trickle of blood running down his forehead.)

How does such bad blood arise?  Certainly not coaching, per se. As two good Christian men, Dean Smith, an oxymoronic liberal Baptist, and Mike Krzyzewski, a consistently profane Catholic, certainly loved each other with a deep and abiding godly love -- but, boy, they sure didn't like each other.  I swear their blood would turn to ice as they went to make their perfunctory courtesy handshake after each game.  During the Bill Guthridge years there was something of a warming, but then Matt Doherty arrived, followed by Roy Williams, and the blood pressure has risen.

Which brings us to somewhat fresher blood.  Whatever Duke guard Gerald Henderson did in year-before-last's regular season finale, and I say as the one man in America who replayed the slo-mo Tivo of the slo-mo video of Henderson's end-of-game foul on Tyler Hansbrough more times than the rest of America replayed Janet Jackson's Superbowl wardrobe malfunction, it was not premeditated assault.  It wasn’t basketball either.

At the very least it was reckless endangerment.  When viewed as a digital slow-motion of video slow motion, Henderson appears to be attempting the ever-popular "hard foul," by the use of a sometimes legal football play, the forearm shiver. He was not trying to block a shot.  He had his eyes closed at the moment of contact.

The officials, in my view, got it right.  "A flagrant foul for combative and confrontational action" is what it was, and as such is treated the same as a punch, as it should be.  The ejection also brought an automatic suspension for Henderson for Duke's next game under NCAA rules.

By all reports, Gerald Henderson is a nice and decent person.  But, then again, so is Wake Forest's Chris Paul -- but that didn't make his literal low blow on NC State's Julius Hodge any less painful.

Henderson's post-game comments didn't help clear the bloodied waters any.  "Guys got caught up in the air and I just came down on him," Henderson said. "I was not intentionally trying to hurt anybody. Obviously, it was a foul. I was not trying to hurt or hit the kid," said Henderson.  So far, so good.

But then rather than giving an immediate apology to Hansbrough, Henderson had to add: "I've seen blood before and it's a physical game."  My thought: he may well see it again -- and I was sure that it was to be a physical game.  (Historical footnote:  The next game was a gentlemanly affair in which "Psycho T" Hansbrough did not kill "G" Henderson -- or even maim him.)

Some might note that television commentator Billy Packer instantly and adamantly disagreed with my assessment.  I respond, as would most of those who have involuntarily listened to Packer-headed broadcasts: more evidence for my view.  On the rare occasion when Packer agrees with one of my astute observations, I immediately reassess my view.  I invariably determine I was wrong.

***

And speaking of blue blood boiling, if Barack Obama did not carry on Tuesday North Carolina (this article was submitted before the election results were in), and he did not win the electoral college because of that, I can pinpoint the massive strategic blunder that cost him the presidency.  It was sending actress Ashley Judd, the world's number one Kentucky Wildcat basketball fan (just watch her dance during timeouts at Kentucky home games), to electioneer for the Obama-Biden ticket.  Judd is the only person that I know who that could instantly unite Duke and UNC fans against whatever they were for.

Regardless of the winners (if we know yet), they are in my prayers -- because they are going to need them.

 

Gary D. Gaddy, who himself bleeds Carolina Blue, once made another player bleed during a pickup basketball game in UNC's historic Woollen Gym – unfortunately it was his own teammate.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November 6, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EST
Updated: Wednesday, November 12, 2008 1:10 PM EST
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Good News for (American) Football Fans

TO REACH THOSE who have become too far removed from the language, culture and ethos of the ancient Middle East, a new translation of the Holy Bible tailored for the academic community, is being released today by the University of North Carolina Press.

Some of the delightful new takes on the Holy Word in "Good News for (American) Football Fans" include The Lineman's Prayer, The Parable of the Unjust Referee, The Revelation of the Final Booth Replay and this reader’s favorite: The Head Coach's Prayer.

Here is just sample of the great passages in this refreshing new perspective from the world’s most popular book.

***

Blessed are you when you travel to an opponent's home stadium.  When Wahoos try to cleverly insult you, when Wolfpackers crudely talk smack to you, when Demon Deacons falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of your Tar Heel apparel, rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in beautiful Kenan Stadium, for in the same way they persecuted the followers of Charlie "Choo Choo" Justice who went before you.

Do not throw flags, or you too will be flagged.  For in the same way you call for penalties on others, so will penalties be called on you.  And so  the down and distance you demand, it too will be walked out against you.

Consider the ball fallen loose on the field; doesn't the Head Coach consider it worth more than many in bags on the sideline?

***

Play 23 (The Lineman's Prayer)

The LORD is my position coach, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in the endzone;
       He leads me to a Big Fogg® Misting System,
       when the August suicide drills are complete.
He teaches me proper blocking schemes.
       He guides me in paths of penalty-free play
       for His reputation's sake.
Even though I walk
       through Clemson's Death Valley,
       I will fear no cut blocks,
       for the training staff they are with me;
       Your ankle wraps and Your knee braces,
       they comfort me.
You prepare a training table before me,
       even on the road.
       You provide bread when I am carbo-loading;
       the Gatorade® overflows.
Surely weight gain and increased flexibility will follow me
       all the days of my life,
       and I will dwell in the weight room of the LORD
       forever.

***

Oh, fans, why do you look at the little sticker on your opponent's face and pay no attention to the facepaint on your own?  How can you say to an opposing fan, 'Let me take the sticker off your cheek,' when your whole body is painted blue? You fool, first take the Ram's head off your own head, and then you will see clearly to remove the little devil from your opponent's forehead.

Then the Head Coach said to his players: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear -- the Educational Foundation will provide for you all.  And isn't life is more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Behold the players of the National Football League, even those of Cincinnati's Bengals: They do not block or tackle, and though many don't have guaranteed contracts; their franchise feeds them.  And how much more valuable are you Tar Heels to the Ram's Club than the Bungles to their owners!

Do not give to the Hokkie fan what is sacred; sell not your 40-yard-line tickets to the Wolfpack backer. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces, or, at the very least, lean over you and say vulgar things.

Who of you by worrying can add a timeout to a game?  If you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the two-minute drill when the whistle for the fourth quarter hasn't yet blown?

***

The Head Coach's Prayer

This, then, is how you should pray:
"Our Head Coach which is in the Coaches' Box,
May Your name be in the Hall of Fame,
May Your dynasty come,
Your plays be run
On the playing field as they are in Your scrimmages.
Give us this day Your scouting report.
Forgive us our holding penalties,
Even as we break the holds of those that hold against us.
And let us not be tempted by hard snap counts,
But deliver us from the blitzers,
For You are always Coach of the Year
And may Your contract extension be forever."

 

Gary D. Gaddy never prayed harder than when a free kick was coming down in his direction during his very brief stint as a JV football player at George Washington High School in the fall of 1966.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 30, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:00 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, November 2, 2008 6:27 PM EDT
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Thursday, October 23, 2008
Price gouging for fun and profit

THE OTHER DAY, while perversely listening to Air America, conservative little me, I tried to think of something they and I could agree on.  My thought: price gouging; now that's something we certainly could all agree on -- except for maybe me.  I'm for it.  It's called free enterprise.

As for price gouging, actually, I would say there is really no such thing -- only something maligned as that.  Unless "price gouging" includes a loaded gun or its functional equivalent (e.g., the power of government), no one makes anyone else pay an inflated price for anything.  I do not see how any market transaction which occurs without compulsion can be said to be one party “gouging” another.

Still, price gouging -- charging unreasonably excessive prices in times of crisis --violates North Carolina General Statute 75-38, which comes into effect when a disaster, an emergency or an abnormal market disruption for critical goods and services is declared by the governor.

On September 12, North Carolina’s law against price gouging was triggered by the declaration of an abnormal market disruption due to Hurricane Ike.

So, North Carolina has in effect a price-gouging law -- and right now has the highest prices for gasoline in the lower 48 states.  North Carolina has a price-gouging law -- and had gasoline shortages as a result of Hurricane Ike, which hit Galveston on September 12, that lasted at least until as late as October 9.

How did we end up with both shortages and "high" (in quotes) prices for a commodity that was not generally scarce?  I have an answer.  (And it's not price gouging.)

The first answer is, of course, Hurricane Ike which shut down oil refineries in the Gulf of Mexico -- meaning for a while very little gasoline was sent into pipelines serving the East Coast.

My next answer is the anti-price-gouging law.

Prices, especially price-gouging prices, are both signals and motivators.  When shortages come, and prices are allowed to freely rise, they will signal need and provide the impetus for greed to meet need.  And it works.

But here's what happens when sellers are not allowed to "gouge" consumers at a time when supply is constricted:  the consumers, when they see the possibility of shortages, act in their own self interest.  In case of gasoline, they fill up their tanks, even when their tanks are only half empty.  With little real cost to the consumer, why shouldn't they?

And what happens is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Even if no real shortage was coming, it will now.  And if there were real supply problems, as there were following Hurricane Ike, the shortages are magnified and extended – and prices drops that were to come, come later and slower.

“Economically, the way you get people to buy less is to have the price go up," said Michael Walden, an economics professor at N.C. State University, in an article in the Winston-Salem Journal on September 12.

"You can appeal to them, and say, 'Please buy less,' but most people will buy more," said Walden.  Further, according to Walden, it is not good business for retailers to let their tanks run dry. "Retailers want to have gas available," he said. "They want to be able to stay open."  A closed gas station doesn’t make money.

So, what happened?  Weeks after Hurricane Ike disrupted oil production, a gasoline shortage continued in parts of North Carolina. Asheville city officials closed offices, the civic center and all parks and recreation centers because of the shortage.  Even the local community college was closed for several days.

Further, the cost to the community was likely quite substantial in its impact on business, especially tourism.

The immutable law of supply and demand may be opposed only at great peril to those who attempt to revoke it

With anti-price-gouging laws in effect, the market mechanism of price and profit were not harnessed.  The individual entrepreneur, say an independent gasoline truck driver, perhaps several states away, who reads of the crisis and who could bring a tanker full to the area to profit from our crisis, will not act.

The typical gasoline tanker truck holds about 9000 gallons.  Think about this, if a trucker could make an extra dollar a gallon, he could make $9000 for a single tank full.  How far would he be willing to drive?  From Missouri, from Massachusetts, from California?

Shortages are the Siamese twins of price controls.  Free markets bring resources to needs; price and profit are the mechanisms.  Ironically, high prices often bring low prices.

What would happen if too many greedy truckers bring gasoline here to exploit us poor North Carolinians?  We would have a glut.  And the price would fall below even what it was before the shortage.  And, just like my Air America friends hoped, the greedy guys would lose money.  It’s a nice system, ain’t it?

North Carolina should try it sometime.

 

Gary D. Gaddy is not a economist -- but does read the British publication named "The Economist" every week, which periodical strangely calls itself a "newspaper" but comes in magazine format.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 23, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:17 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7:35 PM EDT
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Thursday, October 16, 2008
What's so bad about falling housing prices?

Originally written on November 11, 2007 and, sadly, unpublished until now because it wasn't funny enough.   It's still not that funny.

WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT falling housing prices?  When the price of housing is so inflated that in many areas of the country most homeowners could not buy the house they live in, something is seriously out of kilter in the market for real estate, wouldn't you think?  What's the problem if prices get back in line with values?

Back in the middle 1970's, I remember when many decried the disillusionment that swept over the generation that had been caught up in the rampant idealism of the early 1970's.  I don't think that the disillusionment was a problem at all.  It was the illusionment that preceded it.  Since when has reality been a problem?  For me, I guess it was the last time the effects of the psychedelic street drug I took wore off.  Reality is a bummer, man.

"Irrational exuberance," which Alan Greenspan warned us about in December 1996 in the stock market, which he then helped to foment in the real estate market, can be fun on Saturday night but Sunday morning may not be as pleasant.  There's a reason we call crashes crashes.

We can hope for a "soft landing."  (That's when you jump off a tall building and come down on an awning then land on your feet, only breaking a couple of bones.)

We escaped the Clinton-era stock market bubble with relatively little pain as we traded in the heroin of an inflated high-tech-driven equities market for the cocaine of an inflated real estate market fed by notably stupid lending practices.  We just traded one addiction for another.  Foolish investors burned by the completely predictable fall of prices of overpriced stocks turned to the "safer venue" of real estate.  Which it was, for a while.

What do "day trading of stocks" and "flipping real estate" have in common?  They require delusional sellers who can find even more delusional buyers who are willing to collude with them in making nonsensical transactions.

Unfortunately, for many, "reality bites," which in addition to being a bad movie starring Winona Ryder as well as a frequently observed Chapel Hill bumper sticker, is also a fundamental principle of the universe.

If you don't believe me, read the latest research on the subject by Charles Mackay, LL.D., "Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds" -- first printing 1841.  If you don't know what "tulipomania" is, reading this book may save your life savings when the next popular delusion comes around.  If you don't want to be a greeter at Wal-Mart at age 75, you might consider investing in a copy.  (I got mine through the Abebooks.com website.)

A precise technical definition of the term "subprime loan" may help clarify this discussion: credit extended to the uncredit worthy.  So, now we discover that people with no savings and bad credit histories tend not repay their debts?  Who woulda thunk it?

Bundling large numbers of these cheesy loans, often variable rate mortgages with introductory "teaser rates" that mean that these mortgages will automatically go from being bad loans to being horrible loans, which were then sold to people who actually bought them.  Guess what?  No matter how much you paid for them, they ain't worth much.

But, they would still be worth a lot, if the real estate market just kept inflating forever.  Ever blow a soap bubble?  Remember what happened -- every time?  Memorize this fundamental law of nature:  Bubbles burst.

Sometimes some people need to be hit over the head with a two by four to wake up to reality.  A collapsing house produces lots of falling two by fours.   A collapsing housing market produces even more.  Welcome to reality.

What's so bad about falling housing prices?  The answer is the pain it will cause to innocent people.  If only the stupid people making and taking stupid loans were the ones to be hurt by a collapse in the real estate market, it might be good thing.

But, just like every waitress and shoeshine boy benefits from the various booms, whether rational or not, they feel some serious hurt from the busts.

But not everyone who participates in "the madness of crowds" will suffer.  One of 2007's Forbes 400 Richest People in America, H. Ty Warner of Illinois, who had an estimated net worth of $4.4 billion, invented the Beanie Baby.

 

Gary D. Gaddy, who never did any day trading in the 1990's or real estate flipping in the 2000's, will, unlike any of the politicians or business people who watched obliviously while this happened, will take blame for failing to avert it by keeping this column from print.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 16, 2008.

Copyright  2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:28 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, March 4, 2009 9:21 AM EST
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Thursday, October 9, 2008
A spare column on bowling trophies

WHEN SURVEYING THE TROPHY CASE in our home, people often say:  "Tell us about your bowling trophy," frequently just after asking, "So, what's this archery trophy all about?"

The archery trophy is easy.  My lovely and talented wife took second place in a bare bow archery competition -- an impressive feat -- unless you consider that there were only two contestants in her division.  The trophy could easily say: "Last Place."

But in our household any hardware for any accomplishment, including just filling out an entry form, is worthy of prominent display.  For example, my wife also has a Phi Beta Kappa key which she displays in her office -- it doesn't even open anything.

Meanwhile, back at an award truly worthy of note, My Bowling Trophy memorializes perhaps my greatest moment in sport:  when my team representing the Howard W. Odum Institute for Research in Social Science won the University of North Carolina Faculty, Staff and Graduate Student Intramural League Bowling Championship 10 years ago or so.

I can't remember all of my team mates, but George McCarthy was one, along with his cute little wife.  She rolled the ball approximately three miles an hour.   Sometimes she got strikes.  Noel Field was another.  He knocked holes out the back wall of the alley with his fireballs -- often leaving 7-10 splits.   I think that Walter Davis was on the team -- if that was before he blew his knee out playing basketball.

David Sheaves was definitely on the team.  David is from Ohio where bowling is not a sport; it's a religion.  He could actually bowl.  He was so good he had his own ball -- and shoes.  He was so good didn't even put his fingers in the holes.  That good.

I, on the other hand, am a formally trained bowler, having taken bowling in P.E. as a Lifetime Sport in college.

Like fellow UNC alumnus and world-class athlete Antawn Jamison, who after getting all the academic credits he needed to complete his academic degree, in three years, still could not graduate because he had not passed the swimming test, I almost received a "Certificate of Attendance" from Furman University -- in my case because of bowling.

For the entire semester, I faithfully attended Bowling 101, which was comprised primarily of, you guessed it, bowling.  I consistently bowled about 136 per game, although I do remember one day bowling strikes and spares galore including a career high game of 186.  I was bowling so well that when my right arm got tired, I switched to my left and I was still making strikes and spares.  That was a bizarre aberration.

Passing the bowling test was required for passing P.E. -- regardless of how high your scores were on the rigorous written test on foot faults and scoring a spare.  In the first week of class, I had bowled a three-game series of 408, an average of 136.  Good enough to pass the class (with 400 being the necessary minimum) -- but it didn't count.

Only after rigorous instruction, expert training and dedicated practice were we allowed to be officially tested.  At semester’s end, I took the test -- and failed.  One terrifying re-take was allowed -- and P.E. was required for graduation.  I passed with an average of about 136.

I could speed up the whole story of the league championship trophy by saying that I bowled great, rolling new career highs in each of the three games, leading the team to victory while garnering the Most Valuable Bowler Trophy -- but I won't, because I didn't.  I bowled like I almost always do.

I bowled, as I remember it, 136 for the first game.  The only remarkable thing was that my first game of 136 was higher than Dave Sheaves' score.  This was not good.

The team fell behind by fifty pins. The next game I bowled a 135.  Dave bowled better but barely up to his usual.  The team was still behind substantially.  For my final game I bowled, you guessed it, a 136.  We were still significantly behind with only one lane left to finish.

Dave was still rolling and had been doing better but with a single frame to go, we still lagged.  Statistical consultant that I was, I quickly calculated that we could win -- but only if Dave "struck out" -- which in bowling, unlike softball, is good.  In the last frame, if you roll a strike with your first ball, you get to roll two more.  "Striking out" is bowling a strike with each of last three balls.  Championship MVP Dave struck out -- and so our team won.

So, to answer your question, I got a trophy for being on Dave’s team.

 

Gary D. Gaddy has exchanged bowling mediocrity while being on championship teams for tennis mediocrity while being on championship teams.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 9, 2008.

Copyright 2008  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:45 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, October 9, 2008 8:50 AM EDT
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Thursday, October 2, 2008
Ford Announces Water-Powered Automobile

DETROIT -- The Ford Motor Company, in conjunction with Hydrolytics, Inc., announced today that they have produced, in an unprecedented engineering feat, a water-powered car that could end America's dependence on foreign petroleum for vehicle propulsion.

The prototype vehicle, currently code-named the H-2-0, runs completely and solely on pure water. "The H-2-0 gets great water mileage," said Ford automotive designer Brent Sigelbach.  "The latest tests show it gets 42 miles per gallon on the highway and 36 in the city, about the same as the gas mileage of a fuel-efficient Honda Civic."

Minor concerns are all that are keeping the car from entering mass production today.

"As you might expect, you couldn't just take water out of a puddle to fuel an H-2-0. The water can't be tap water or even filtered, it has to be pure -- Evian class or better. And it needs to be cooled, 44 degrees Fahrenheit or cooler, but not frozen," said Ford Chairman and CEO, Bill Ford.

The infrastructure is not there yet to have pre-cooled pure-water pumps at filling stations,  say CEO Ford, so to use existing technology H-2-0 drivers will have to fuel their cars from  half-liter bottles. Fortunately for Ford, and the H-2-0 drivers, most convenience market/filling station stores currently sell acceptable quality water/fuel, keeping it appropriately refrigerated in their "beverage" cases.

Hydrolytics, Inc., originally had been working on a cold-fusion-based vehicular propulsion system, when one of their test engineers, since laid off, hooked up the apparatus backwards.  Rather than cold fusion, cool fraction occurred. While the explosion which took place did destroy the facility and set Hydrolytics research in general back for nearly a year, it also formed the basis for the H-2-0 propulsion technology.

A German efficiency expert working with Ford is trying to reduce several functional inefficiencies and cost-factors in the H-2-0's operation.  According to Dr. Hans Krabbe of Sehr-Sehr Deutsch Consulting, the average fueling time for the typical eleven gallon gasoline or diesel car fuel tank is 4.2 minutes. For the H-2-0, it takes 28.6 minutes, and produces 48 empty plastic bottles and 48 plastic caps, which Krabbe estimates contain the petroleum energy of 9.8 gallons of oil. At current prices, which are expected to rise as demand increases as more H-2-0's get on the road, filling up an H-2-0 costs about $52, or about $4.40 a gallon.

Ford hopes to have H-2-0's on the showroom floor for the 2010 model season, which begins early in January 2009.

 

 Gary D. Gaddy once owned a steam-powered boat he bought from an ad in the back of a comic book.  It was the first time he really got snookered.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 2, 2008.

Copyright 2008  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 10:40 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, March 28, 2010 9:43 AM EDT
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Chapel Hill to replace Halloween festivities

CHAPEL HILL -- After years of dealing with the growing numbers of people celebrating Halloween on Franklin Street -- and facing the growing headaches that have come along with them, the town of Chapel Hill has decided to move the festivities to the daytime on the day following Halloween.  Town officials say they expect the move to reduce the amount of damage and the number of arrests as well as the total cost of the event to the municipality.

After adopting the proposal, Mayor Kevin Foy said he quickly realized that if the event was held the day after Halloween it wouldn't be Halloween anymore and decided that the town "would need to re-focus and re-package the event."   Foy said that since the event would no longer be held on All Hallow's Eve -- Halloween being just a modern contraction for the name for the ancient holiday, it needed to be reconceptualized.

"We're going to call it 'All Saints Day Celebration on the Hill,'" said Foy. "After all these years of celebrating the Devil, we thought it was time that we brought a little counterbalance," he said.

"A lot of people don't realize it but the name of our town is Chapel Hill, so a nice Christian celebration every now and then would seem in order, if only to commemorate our godly origins,"  said Councilperson and Mayor Pro Tem Jim Ward.

"We are also asking that the town's children, of all ages, stop traveling the neighborhoods on the night before to blackmail adults for candy with threats of 'Trick or Treat!', said Ward. "Instead we are asking them to collect canned goods from their own homes and take to them to their neighbors as gestures of goodwill," he added.

"Although these small gifts may not make up for the egging that they gave to their houses last year and the toilet papering they did the year before, it certainly could help build some good feelings," said Ward.

To keep alcohol involved in the festival, a sunrise communion service will be part of the day's activities, said Councilperson Mark Kleinschmidt.  "While this probably won't help participants get smashed out their gourds, a little nip of Manischewitz never hurt anybody," he added.

Despite the event’s name, Councilperson Matt Czajkowski said sinners as well as saints would be welcome.


Gary D. Gaddy once dressed as Santa Claus for Halloween as a child.            

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday October 2, 2008.

Copyright 2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:07 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, March 28, 2010 9:40 AM EDT
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Thursday, September 25, 2008
What it was was football redux

Last week my wife's cousin, Bobo Herring, from Traphill up in Wilkes County, visited the University of North Carolina with his eldest son. Willy Bob has been offered a Morehead Scholarship and Bobo wanted to see "what Willy Bob would be gettin' into."  This is Bobo’s report.

* * * *

Right off I got to thinkin', we have made some kinda mistake a-comin' down c'here on a Saturd'y.  There's such a passel a-people, and so many dang cars, all a-goin' somewhere.  These young'uns in bright orange was a-tellin ever'body where they oughta go.  So we did.

We drove right into this building the like of which I ain't never see'd.  They's a-givin' us this little slip a-paper, what for I do not know.  We drove on in and drove around, and around, and around, and around, 'til we ended up right smack on top of that building.  When we stopped, I jump'd right outta that car, and hurried, 'long with ever'body else, 'fore that buildin' commenced to fallin' and kill't us all.

A-where we was a-goin', it did not seem to matter as that there crowd was a-carryin' us like sticks on swollen crick.  Next thing you know we was at some sorta great big gates like what let you into Heaven, where this man in a pretty blue vestment was sayin', "Tickets."

I had that little slip a-paper, so I handed it to him.

He said, "This isn't a ticket, sir."

I said, "Then I ain't got no ticket.  And I don't know why I should."

Just then I hear’d a voice, sayin', "Bobo, that you?"  It was my Uncle Leonard.

After tellin' him of my perdicament, he said, "I got tickets.  You and Willy Bob come on with me to the Pope's Box."

So we get in one them elevators like they got over at Wilkes General, and when them doors open you ain't never seen the like of it.  Ever'thin' was all a-painted blue like a robin's egg.  It was right pretty, if'n you like that sorta thing. 

It musta been some sort of potluck, 'cause they was food ever'where.  Willie Bob and I got heapin' plates full and went and sit down.  I look up and they's fans and heaters and shades and picture tubes ever'where.  I look down and they's thousands and thousands of people all a-lookin' at a pretty piece a-pasture with lines drawed all over it.  What the for, I do not know.

Ever'body was just a-lookin', so we was a-lookin' too.  Then I saw they was a-lookin' at a tunnel at the end of that pasture and it was a-fire, with smoke just a-pourin' out.  I was a-thinkin' somebody oughta douse that fire, when a whole bunch of great big young'uns come a-runnin' outta that tunnel like they was a-fire too.

That crowd they roar'd and whoop'd and hollar'd like nothin' nobody ever heard 'cause they was so glad those boys wearin’ baby blue weren't charr'd.  And you could tell by how fast they ran and how high they jump'd, them boys weren't hurt one bit.

Then somebody was a-settin' off firecrackers and that chased another big batch of giant young'uns all dress'd orange like punkins out the other end of that pasture. But the crowd, they weren't happy to see them atall, commencin’ to a-booin' like they was the Devil hisself.

Next two klatches of them boys, one in blue, ‘nothern in orange, came out to the middle of the pasture and a prisoner what musta escaped from jail went there with'em.  After they all shook hands real nice, they musta prayed with that convict, 'cause when he raised his hand, they all looked up to heaven, then they bowed their heads.

That prayer must not a-been very fervent, 'cause the next thing them boys was lined up ag'in each other just a whompin' and stompin' and kickin' each other and throwin' each other on the ground.

What got it all started -- best I could figger -- was that punkin them boys in orange had brought with'em.  Them other boys, they wanted it too.

It was an awful funny punkin.  They haul'd and dropp'd, throw’d it and kick'd it -- and never did bust it.  This one boy in blue, they kept sayin', "Brandin" wherever he had that punkin, he ran all over that field with them other boys a-chasing’em, and right when you thought they might catch'em, he'd get to the end of the field and throw the punkin down like he didn't never want that thing to begin with.

I told Willy Bob if this was what college was all about it didn't seem much worth the travel.  Willy Bob, who now says I oughta call him William, was too busy watchin' them lanky girls jigglin' 'round down at the end of pasture to even notice -- but he says he's a-takin' that Morehead.

And, you know what, I never did see that Pope.

 

Gary D. Gaddy hears that fellow UNC alum Andy Griffith may have pre-plagiarized this idea from him.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday September 25, 2008.

Copyright 2008  Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:00 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, October 9, 2008 8:59 AM EDT
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Thursday, September 18, 2008
PETA sues McCain and Obama campaigns

RICHMOND -- In a rare display of non-partisanship during this highly partisan political season, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals filed a petition today in United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia asking both the McCain and Obama campaigns to cease and desist from "continued animal abuse."

"Putting lipstick on a pig may be funny to some people," said PETA spokesperson Greta van Tingle, "but not to us."   [Editor's note: The crowds at Senator Obama's speech did notably laugh at the "lipstick on a pig" reference.]

"Further, Governor Palin may feel that since she wears lipstick it is perfectly alright for her to apply it to the lips of her pit bull, but we don't.  Pit bulls, despite their outward appearance, can be very sensitive. Their psyche can be damaged as well as their lips, as is the case where they are allergic to any of the substances in the lipstick," said Tingle.

"It's my view that these animals have already suffered enough in being used in the testing of lip coloration products and they should not have to go through the embarrassment of being seen in public in it," said Gloria Finglestine.

"There is only one way to characterize what these campaigns have done: smears," said Finglestine, a PETA volunteer who once worked as a lab assistant for testing for Revlon.  "I can't blame them for that.  Have you ever tried to put lipstick on a Chihuahua or even a Guinea pig?  It's tough.  Let me tell you, it's tough," said Finglestine.

Although the court filing asks that a injunction be placed on both campaigns specifically for "any and all references to putting lipstick on pigs or pit bulls," according to the attorney for PETA, Burt McDonald, the obvious intent is to halt the application of lipstick, lip gloss or other decorative lip appliqués to any animal whether domesticated or not.

A Durham attorney, who asked that her name not be used, said that although she is not a PETA supporter, and is not affiliated with the PETA legal team, said she could understand PETA's concerns as she had personal experience in the area.  Her now-deceased cat, Spooky Bloomberg-Herring, was diagnosed with a condition that could have exacerbated by the application of lipstick.

"When we got Spooky from the animal shelter, the holding pen was labeled 'Male,' however, when we took Spook to the vet to be castrated, the veterinarian said that would not be possible -- but she could be spayed, since Spooky was a female," she said.

The vet also recommended gender identity counseling for Spooky.  "I don't know how physically traumatic lipstick might have been for her," she said, "but I can see how it would have been very damaging psychologically."

Further legal action, said PETA spokesperson Graeme Schmidt, is being considered on behalf of two other animal classes, elephants and jackasses, both of which, PETA maintains, are thoroughly embarrassed by the regular association with the Republican and Democratic parties respectively.

Both the McCain and Obama campaigns refused comment on the suit until the results of current polling were in.

******


GlaxoSmithKline merges with Smith Barney

RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK -- In an unprecedented cross-sector merger, GlaxoSmithKline Pharmaceuticals (NYSE: GSK, 43.17) today executed a purchase of Smith-Barney Financial Services division from Citigroup Global Capital Markets Inc.(NYSE: PQU, 9.55).  Pending expected regulatory approval, the new mega-corporation will be named GlaxoSmithKlineBarney.

"There no doubt that the financial services sector is very sick -- but I'm not sure this is the cure," said one noted industry observer, Carl Calcorn of Investics Information Services.  "Popping a pill or two won't make this headache go away," said Calcorn.

History says otherwise, as GlaxoSmithKline appears to be the best situated company in the world to deal with America's financial sector woes, according to University of North Carolina pharmaceutical-sector historian Gilbert A. Hodges.

According to Dr. Hodges, GSK  which began as Plough Court pharmacy, the forerunner of Allen and Hanburys Ltd. in London in 1715, launched the Beecham's Pills laxative business in 1842 -- giving them over 150 years of experience in purging the systems of its bloated customers.

As a historical case in point, parallel to the current acquisition,  Prof. Hodges said, everyone agrees, in retrospect, that Beecham's acquisition of  County Perfumery Company Ltd. in 1939, manufacturers of Brylcreem, a men's hair application, was a pretty slick move.

 

Gary D. Gaddy, who has never worn lipstick or owned a pig or pit bull but is a reformed vegetarian as well as a charter member of the other PETA -- People for Eating Tasty Animals, played in the USTA North Carolina Senior Mixed Doubles State Championships last weekend, but doesn’t want to talk about it.

 A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday September 18, 2008.

Copyright 2008  Gary D. Gaddy

 


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:32 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, October 6, 2009 9:37 PM EDT
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