The high-class, low-class or no-class quiz, also known as the Chapel Hill, Carrboro or Northern Orange County location test, is presented today to help my readers assess their social standing and/or social siting.
1) You've ever been kicked out of the zoo: a) For drinking pinot grigio which you purchased to complement your Southern Season picnic lunch; b) For being part of a PETA protest; c) For heckling the monkeys.
2) You think the Star Spangled Banner: a) Has too wide a vocal range for the non-trained voice to properly perform; b) Should be replaced with something less jingoistic; c) Ends with "Gentlemen, start your engines."
3) You don't like shopping at Wal-Mart Superstores because: a) The stores are too big; b) The Wal-Mart corporation exploits workers here and abroad; c) You'd rather just run around the corner to the Dollar General because you don't like getting dressed up to go shopping.
4) The centerpiece on your dining room table is: a) An original work of abstract expressionist sculpture which exhibits an anarchic, highly idiosyncratic and, some feel, nihilistic point of view; b) A hand-thrown pot from a local pottery which you purchased at the Festival for the Eno; c) Signed by Craig Hall, taxidermist.
5) You think "The Nutcracker" is: a) One of Tchaikovsky's lesser works; b) The best Winter Holiday show the elementary school ever put on; c) A high dive your brother Buford once did off the cliff into the lake at the rock quarry.
6) You are moved to tears every time you hear: a) Ludwig van Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E flat (which is commonly known as "Eroica"), especially the first bars of the second movement; b) Any song by Sorry About Dresden; c) Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
7) You have a complete set of salad bowls: a) But you never use them because they are Waterford crystal; b) You made yourself when you were a potter/artist; c) And they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
8) You've ever hit a deer: a) With an automobile with a book value of more than the average American family's annual income; b) While bicycling; c) With your truck -- deliberately.
9) Your school fight song: a) Includes the phrase: "Nolite te bastardes carborundorum"; b) My school would not have had something as militaristic as a "fight song"; c) Was the double-banjo rendition of "Dueling Banjos."
10) Your neighbors started a petition over: a) The county's plan to build a neighborhood public library in your neighborhood; b) Your 12-foot by 40-foot Kucinich for President yard sign; c) Your Christmas light display. (They want you to get a special commendation from PEMC for beautifying the county.)
11) You've ever financed: a) A graduate degree with some of the proceeds of your last IPO; b) A tattoo; c) A tattoo.
12) Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined: a) By discovering she used the same hairdresser as John Edwards b) By "wife," you mean live-in partner, I suppose. Hard to say, dude. c) By a ceiling fan.
13) You think "loading the dishwasher" is: a) Something the hired help are hired to do; b) Environmental abuse of the lowest order; c) Getting your wife drunk.
14) Every year in December you get a card in the mail that says: a) "Seasonal greetings from your investment counselor at Goldman Sachs." b) "Your subscription to High Times is about to run out." c) "Merry Christmas from Red Man Chewing Tobacco."
15) You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since: a) American film making has become so banal and hackneyed as to render any such awards risible; b) 1973 when Sacheen Littlefeather refused to accept the Best Actor Oscar on behalf of Marlon Brando for best actor in "The Godfather"; c) 1978 when "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Scoring: If you got all A's, you would rather be in Chapel Hill; if you got all B's, you are in Carrboro; and if you got all C's, you are in northern Orange County but you should consider moving to southwest Chatham County where you will be even more at home.
Gary D. Gaddy is the epitome of classlessness.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday May 13, 2011.
Copyright 2011 Gary D. Gaddy