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Friday, March 18, 2011
Coaches Krzyzewski and Williams fined for comments
GREENSBORO -- The Atlantic Coast Conference today announced substantial fines levied on head coaches Michael Krzyzewski and Roy Williams, of Duke University and the University of North Carolina, respectively, for their criticism of officials made during their post-game press conferences following the league championship game last Sunday.  Each was assessed $50,000.
During the game broadcast commentators had noted the frustration of both coaches with numerous officiating calls.
Specific criticisms of officials made by the coaches cited as conduct violations in the league report included the following statements.
Krzyzewski:  "It is unacceptable to me that the officials continually let my players get away with obvious hand-checking fouls.  It was clear that Nolan (Smith) was regularly using two hands to check Kendall (Marshall).  I can get on Nolan all I want in practice, in the huddle, during halftime, but if Karl (Hess) and Bryan (Kersey) and Jamie (Luckie) won't back me up, I'll never get through. This (the hand check) was supposed to be a point of emphasis this year.  Sure didn't seem like one to me, in this game."
Williams: "I am galldurned fed up with the blocking fouls that’re called on the Plumlee brothers.  What, just because their technique ain't classic?  I didn't think this sport was about frickin' style points.  So what if they ain’t Shane Battier?  W ho is?  Even a blind ref oughta be able to hear 'em hit the dang floor with a thump.  That oughta be worth somethin’, don’t you think?”

Sidney Lowe's replacement sought
RALEIGH -- As North Carolina State University begins its search for a new men's basketball coach following head coach Sidney Lowe's resignation this week, the school’s athletic administration announced some of the criteria they will adhere to for their next hire.
First, the search committee is to look for a proven head coach, one who has coached in top conference and has demonstrated that he can recruit good players, teach the fundamentals and coach a good game plan.  They also want someone with high moral standards, clear personal discipline and the authority with his players to keep them in school, out of trouble and regarded generally as people who are a credit to their school and community.
The school will be looking for someone relatively young (under 50 years old) but still with substantial quality head coaching experience (at a minimum, having been named coach of the year in three different athletic conferences), and excellent  personal academic credentials (having been his high school valedictorian and a summa cum laude graduate from a rigorous university).
Having established those criteria, the search committee said its next task is to see if Herb Sendek still owns his house in Raleigh.

NFL and players union hire Aesop Consulting
NEW YORK -- The National Football League owners and the NFL Player's Association announced that they have agreed to join together to hire Aesop/Golden Goose Consulting to assist them in their mutual aim of boosting team values, increasing player salaries and generally accelerating profit growth of America's currently most successful professional sport.
"We'll start by dissecting the sport to see what makes it tick," said Aesop's Butch Geldgrabber. "With our aid, we feel confident working together the owners and players will make a killing."

Study shows Henson is all arms and legs
CHAPEL HILL -- A collaborative study by the University of North Carolina's School of Medicine and its Department of Sport Science has finally shown what commentators and spectators had thought for some time: UNC basketball forward John Henson actually is all arms and legs.
UNC Professor of Anatomy Jonathon Langbein said that MRIs clearly showed that Henson's arms were attached directly to his legs.
"He has no abdomen," said Langbein.
"This not only explains how Henson can make some of the seemingly impossible twisting and turning inside moves he makes on the basketball court but also why his off-season regime of six high-calorie  meals a day had led to so little weight gain," said Langbein.
"It is very difficult to put on pounds regardless of how much you eat when you have no stomach," he added.
On Sunday afternoon, at the gas station/convenience market formerly known as Starvin' Marvin's, Gary D. Gaddy talked to Kyle Singler's next-door neighbor who had flown in from Oregon for the ACC tournament.  Seemed like a nice guy.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday March 18, 2011.
Copyright  2011  Gary D. Gaddy   

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 7:55 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, March 18, 2011 9:58 AM EDT
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