THE HAGUE -- The International Court of Justice, operating under the Lucerne Conventions Concerning Blogging and Hacking, today presented an indictment of Gary D. Gaddy, the originator, author and sole proprietor of GaryGaddy.com, for "multiple and serial violations of blogging protocol."
Gaddy, court officials hope, may be the first person convicted under the new conventions.
"The Lucerne Conventions are an unfortunately necessary adjunct to the expanding scope of the worldwide web," said the Court's standing Rules Committee member Judge Antônio A. Cançado Trindade. According to Trindade, formalization of the formerly informal rules of blogging were inevitable given the expansion of access to the internet to those not inculcated in its shared culture.
Gaddy was indicted under four separate articles of the Lucerne Conventions, including Section 8, Subsection C, Article I, "failure to use appropriate quantities of abbreviations, acronyms and emoticons," which Gaddy is accused of repeatedly violating. Expert witnesses said that Gaddy had regularly posted entries of up to 675 words without including so much as a single "u" or "&" or “BTW”.
Gaddy was charged with, under Section 3, Subsection B, Article II, "being clothed in attire other than underwear or pajamas or other sleepwear while composing materials intended for online posting," Gaddy has, on several occasions, according the indictment, written and/or edited material for internet posts while wearing “street clothes, socks and shoes.”
Under Section 3, Subsection B, Article I, "authoring and/or editing while clean shaven," officials claimed as evidence a cordless electric razor found in Gaddy’s domicile that was not only “regularly and recently used” but “shows clear evidence of recent automated cleaning.”
Under Section 10, Subsection A, Article IV, Gaddy was charged with maintaining an image "inappropriate for online viewing." Gaddy, the indictment claims, appears in at least one posted webcam photo “wearing a necktie or cravat tied with a four-in-hand knot.”
The International Court of Justice, the principal judicial organ of the United Nations, has its seat at the Peace Palace in The Hague, The Netherlands. The Court’s role is to settle, in accordance with international law, legal disputes submitted to it by States and to give advisory opinions on legal questions referred to it by authorized United Nations organs and specialized agencies.
In related news, U.S. law enforcement agencies are studying placing federal criminal charges against Gaddy, contrapositively related to the charges filed against WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, which were made under the Espionage Act for Assange's publication of classified U.S. diplomatic cables. The proposed charges against Gaddy are for nondisclosure of unclassified disinformation, Attorney General Eric Holder said Thursday. No further information was released.
Amish scientists invent time machine
LANCASTER COUNTY, Pa. -- Amish scientists reported today that they have designed, developed and implemented the world’s first practical time machine. Aaron Garber, who was also the lead engineer for the design and construction of the Amish fireplace, also known as the Heat Surge® Roll-n-Glow® electric fireplace, with Amish-made wood mantle, led the effort.
One drawback to the Amish Time Traveler’s® innovative buttonless operational design, the Garber reports, is that the engineers have not determined how to reverse the polarity of function and thus travel into the future or, more significantly, return from the past.
While the Amish Time Traveler® is not currently available for purchase, Garber noted that the Amish Mantle Heat Surge® miracle heater is currently on sale at HeatSurge.com for as little as $298, not including shipping and handling.
Gary D. Gaddy has a long legal record, beginning with his first court appearance in the summer of 1963 for disturbing the peace and the illegal discharge of Class C fireworks.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday January 28, 2011.
Copyright 2011 Gary D. Gaddy