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Friday, December 17, 2010
All the news that fits -- and then some

These News-in-Briefs© highlights are brought to you by Fruit of the Loom® brand undergarments, whose collections feature classic and contemporary styling with comfortable cotton fabrics and carefree cotton blends.

Chernobyl visitors bring back glowing reports

MOSCOW — The first visitors to the
Ukraine's hottest new tourist destination, the moth-balled Chernobyl nuclear plant, are just back in the United States.  The glowing reports to their friends and neighbors from these inaugural visits, Ukrainian tourism officials hope, will set off a chain-reaction of new visitors.

Kick the Can new national sport

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In unanimous bi-partisan action, Congress voted today to make Kick the Can the new national sport.  Each successive Congress is expected to extend this unfunded mandate.

The Stimulus!  The Sequel!  

HOLLYWOOD — Billed as a 21st century Fantasia, "The Stimulus! The Sequel!" will initiate casting this week, said Walt Disney Productions.  Insiders expect an extended cameo featuring Dumbo, along with leading roles for Bacchus, the god of wine, and his horned donkey, Jacchus.

Carrboro tops for flashbacks

CARRBORO — In its December issue, High Times magazine named Carrboro the top town in America for experiencing flashbacks.  In response, the Carrboro Board of Alderpersons passed a one-word resolution: "Groovy!"

Local invention to spark recovery

CHAPEL HILL — Local inventor Gerald Sensanough says his proposed innovation "will spark a nationwide economic recovery."  Sensanough was understandably coy about divulging too many details about his new product, described it as "an electric fork" specifically designed for consuming pork.

UNC study predicts procrastination

CHAPEL HILL — A new study from the University of North Carolina shows that individuals who are late for their own funerals were often late to earlier events.  Evan De Bolivar, a chronologist in the school's Department of Anthropology, said a follow-up study will examine the same relationship for post-term babies, that is, those who are late for their own births.


Some things I hope you never hear

From your boss: "I can give you a good reference."
From your real estate agent: "Think double-wide."
From your neighbor: "Actually meth labs are pretty safe."
From your accountant: "So, I was a few zeros off?"
From your lawyer: "So, how would you feel about jail time?"
From your surgeon: "Let's go in there and look around."
From your flight attendant: "You may want to use your seat cushion as a flotation device."
From your wife: "We need to talk."

Questions you never want her to ask

"Do you know what day today is?"
"Notice anything different?"
"Do I look fat in this?"


Department of Corections

Due to some confusion by compositors in the typesetting department who were acting with a heightened sense of urgency due to deadline pressure, last week's column referring to WikiLeaks linked to an entirely distinct website, an internet discussion group for urologists specializing in the treatment of urinary incontinence,   We apologize for any inconvenience this might have caused our readers.


Gary D. Gaddy sometimes wears boxers, sometimes briefs.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday December 17, 2010.

Copyright  2010  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:22 AM EST
Updated: Friday, December 17, 2010 11:12 AM EST
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