SOMETIMES I LIKE TO WRITE timeless columns. Now many authors have written timeless works, like Mark Twain writing Tom Sawyer, or Tolstoy writing War and Peace, or Shakespeare writing one of those plays he wrote. My timeless columns are not like that. They are the columns that I write before I go out of town, or for when I get lazy, columns which deal with eternal questions of truth and beauty, and as such are not tied to mundane day-to-day events, so they can run anytime. Like today.
U.S. brands Rolling Stone a terrorist organization
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a sniper affiliated with the periodical took out the commanding general of United States forces in Afghanistan with a single shot, the U.S. State Department has added Rolling Stone magazine to its official list of terrorist organizations.
"The End of History" sequel released
NEW YORK – Francis Fukuyama, the author of "The End of History," released today the much awaited sequel. In a radical departure for modern literature, the book, "The End of Mathematics," will have no page numbers.
Gaddy enters Times bestseller list at one
NEW YORK – While the literati have long debated the many reasons the literary works of Gary D. Gaddy have never appeared on any of the New York Times Bestseller Lists, the most obvious is obvious: he doesn't write for the narrowly defined categories to which the Times confines all literature, namely fiction and non-fiction.
Writing what would best be described as non-faction (which is a post-post-post modernist genre in which the socio-cultural boundaries are repeatedly erased and redrawn until the paper disappears and only the essence of the inter-subjective reality of reader-author mutual delusions remains), Gaddy entered the newly unveiled Times non-faction list at number one this week. There were no other entries.
Budget deficits come to halt as red ink runs out
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal deficit ceased growing this week for the first time in almost two decades as spending temporarily ground to a standstill while Congress seeks to find a new source of red ink.
"The printing presses are fired up and ready to roll out currency. That's not the problem. We have plenty of green ink. What we don't have is enough red ink to print Office of Management Budget charts," said Fred Pfundmaker, head of the U.S. Bureau of Printing and Engraving.
Experts say the shortage occurred as the People's Republic of China works to corner the market in red inks, dyes and tints, to be used for its printing of a new edition of the world map.
Congress All-a-Day Holiday bill to end recession
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the recession continuing on and unemployment still at or near a 70-year high, Congress acted decisively today to boost the economy by declaring every day of the year a paid holiday. Sponsors of the All-a-Day bill say it will stimulate the travel and tourism industries, help retail sales with the greatly increased number of holiday sales and reduce congestion from rush-hour traffic.
"A Monday off every now and then is fine but it wasn't the continuous push the economy needs at this time," said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.
Also under consideration as a recession-busting measure is a special sales tax on items on sale.
NOW sues Mensa to allow womyn members
NEW YORK – The National Organization of Womyn has filed suit in the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York to force Mensa, the international society which limits membership to those with high IQs, to take womyn as members.
"We are puzzled by the suit frankly – and we're not puzzled by much," said Mensa president Leopold Leuchtend. "We always have allowed women – which is, by the way, spelled with an "e" and not a "y". In any case, we are, as a result of this suit, reviewing our entrance requirements and may not in the future," said Leuchtend.
The NOW suit also asks the court to require that Mensa change its name to Mynsa.
Elvis impersonators charged with identity theft
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – A nationwide sting operation has led to the arrest of over 25,000 individuals for a massive scam involving the systematic theft of the identity of Elvis Aron Presley. Despite extensive efforts, this column's reporters were unable to reach Mr. Presley for comment.
Gary D. Gaddy thinks this column may have been written by a Gary D. Gaddy impersonator.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday August 27, 2010.
Copyright 2010 Gary D. Gaddy