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Thursday, April 30, 2009
Suit filed against Chapel Hill nuttiness

CHAPEL HILL -- The Peanut Corporation of America (PCA) has filed suit against the Town of Chapel Hill, demanding that they "cease and desist all acts and activities which promulgate the use of the phrase 'another nutty Chapel Hill idea.'"  In its suit the PCA says that "another nutty idea" is its registered trademark phrase.

"While we acknowledge that Chapel Hill was having nutty ideas long before we were even incorporated, they never made the effort to protect that phrase as intellectual property.  We have," said Dean Kleinschmidt, an attorney representing the PCA.

The PCA suit does not demand that Chapel Hill cease having nutty ideas, merely that they "stop labeling them as such," Kleinschmidt added.

Peanut Corporation of America is a peanut-processing business founded in 1977 and headquartered in Lynchburg, Virginia, which was forced to seek protection under the U.S. Bankruptcy Code in 2009.


Court orders Gaddy on to NBA roster

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a rare adjudicated case of height discrimination, the United States Supreme Court today ruled that Gary D. Gaddy must be added to the National Basketball Association's roster of active players. 

Justice John Paul Stevens, usually a reliable liberal, penned the 8-1 majority decision in favor of Gaddy, who the court said was discriminated against on the basis of height, or, more precisely, heightlessness.

Former NBA great and University of North Carolina alumnus Michael Jordan filed a pair of large amicus briefs in favor of Gaddy.  "I did it because I was cut from the varsity my sophomore year in high school so I can empathize with the guy.  Just because I grew after that, and he didn't, it doesn't seem fair I'll be in the Hall of Fame and he'll never get a minute off the bench," said Jordan.

Chief Justice John Roberts said, "The statistical arguments were compelling, but it was Gaddy's loquacious phrasing that swayed the court. I especially liked: 'One Muggsy Bogues doth not a tendency make.'  That was sheer poetry."

Per court order, Gaddy has chosen to go to the NBA's Eastern Division's leading team, Cleveland Cavaliers.  Gaddy hopes to help the team at non-shooting, off-guard position.  Gaddy's salary will be the mandatory league minimum of $457,588.

Gary D. Gaddy, 58, is not to be confused with Abdul Gaddy, 18, who played in both the McDonald's and the Jordan Brand Classic all-star games for top-rated high school seniors this year. The six-foot-three-inch Abdul Gaddy, no relation, has signed a grant-in-aid scholarship with the University of Washington.


Madonna adopts Botswana

HOLLYWOOD -- Following widespread media reports that celebrity actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had adopted an entire orphanage in Zimbabwe, pop songstress Madonna has decided to adopt the country of Botswana.

Madonna, who was born Madonna Louise Ciccone in Bay City, Michigan and has two natural children, a daughter, Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon, and a son, Rocco John Ritchie, by separate fathers of differing ethnicities, was also quoted as saying, “Top that Octomom!”


Roy's instant oxymoron

CHAPEL HILL -- Language experts were stunned by comments made by Roy Williams following the April 6, 2009 national championship game. "Roy Williams and Dean Smith don't fit in the same sentence," Williams was quoted as saying.

A linguistic expert in UNC's Department of Linguistics, Morley Leslie says Williams is wrong.  "It is very common for sentences to have a compound subject, and sentences of that length or longer are hardly rare in modern English."

UNC's rhetorician in residence Lyle Sprecher says he thinks that Williams may have been speaking metaphorically.  "Clearly they will fit in the same sentence, since the sentence Roy used to say that they won't fit in the same sentence uses them both in the same sentence.  Perhaps he meant they shouldn't be mentioned in the same breath, but I don't know, because apparently he did not say what he meant.  Or vice versa," said Sprecher.


Gary D. Gaddy does not belong in the same bio line as Roy Williams except, maybe, one that says he doesn't belong in the same bio line. 

A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday April 30, 2009.

Copyright   2009  Gary D. Gaddy


Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 8:13 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:28 PM EDT
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