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Thursday, March 20, 2008
Carrboro declares war on Vermont

CARRBORO -- Carrboro's Board of Alderpersons last evening passed a declaration of war in response to the actions taken by two Vermont communities during the Super Tuesday Primaries, calling them "unjustifiable pre-emptive strikes." Although some political analysts say that this could be just the first step in an escalating crisis, they hope that it will not lead to an actual war between the previously politically aligned communities.

Voters in two Vermont towns on March 4th approved measures that order local police to arrest President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for "crimes against our Constitution," according to reports in their local media. The nonbinding, symbolic measures, passed in Brattleboro and Marlboro instruct town police to "extradite them to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute them."

"This, it should be well-established by now, is our turf," said Carrboro Mayor Mark Chilton. "If any locality, especially a borough, has the prerogative of unilaterally overturning the United States Constitution, it is Carrboro," he said. "We been out front on this for years," he added "When amateurs start dabbling in constitutional politics, they will muck things up, and Brattleboro and Marlboro have done just that," said Chilton.

"If you tell these guys (Bush and Cheney) -- tell them out loud you're going to arrest them if they come to your town -- guess what, they're not going to come to your town. They're not that stupid; at least not both of them," said Chilton. "In order to keep our leading-edge position on these issues, as mayor I now have to release what had been a discreet closed-chamber vote instructing our police to arrest Bush or Cheney or either of their wives if they ever even think about coming to Carrboro," said Chilton.

"It was bad enough when our allies in France began backtracking on their commitment to anti-Americanism, but when Vermont starts undercutting our efforts, it gets really tough. Still, we think that if we hold firmly to our position we can get Bush out of office on January 20, 2009," said Chilton.

"They wouldn't seem to know it, but Bush has never visited their state as president. Just because he has spent vacations at his family compound in nearby Maine doesn't change that. So, guess what? Don't be expecting any sales tax dollars from ol' W now," said Chilton.

Vermont, home to maple syrup and picture-postcard views, is known for its liberal politics. Carrboro, home to the Carrboro Music Festival, is a small town on the western fringe of Chapel Hill.


NCAA expands tournament by one-half

OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS -- The National Collegiate Athletic Association announced today that it will add a half-team to this year's men's college Division I basketball playoff format. After adding what many had hoped would be the 65th and final team to its post-season national championship tournament in 2001, the NCAA says it would now include one half of one team in an innovative shirts versus skins game among the players of the most deserving team left out of both the NCAA tournament and the year-end National Invitational Tournament. The winner of the game will then play the loser of the 64th versus 65th place "play-in" game one week after the Final Four is played, for the right to be considered for next year's preseason NIT.

According to NCAA spokesperson Wally Renfro, the game was primarily created to fill the gap between the NCAA's postseason tournament and the prediction and analysis shows which precede the broadcast of the National Basketball Association draft lottery show. "It will go head to head with the University of Oklahoma spring football Red-and-White game, and, honestly, we expect it will do quite well outside of the Midwest."


Gary D. Gaddy has never been to Vermont (only one of three states east of the Mississippi to hold such a distinction), but did once attend a concert by Andrés Segovia in Boston in 1970.

A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday March 20, 2008.

Copyright 2008 Gary D. Gaddy

Authored by Gary G. Gaddy at 9:08 AM EDT
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