CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- Political Incorrectness (PnC), a neurological condition often characterized by scholars as narrow-mindedness, can now be effectively and efficiently cured, researchers at the University of North Carolina announced today. The treatment, called Oxymoron, is of the class of drugs known as n-objecterase inhibitors, which suppress any synaptic activity not originating in the obdula oblongata, the part of the brain in which higher flights of fancy and general broadmindness reside.
Oxymoron was shown in clinical trials to be the most effective of the n-objecterase inhibitors in restraining substantive thought relating to gender, race, religion, sexuality and ethnicity. It is also more effective and faster acting than the standard treatment regime of "talk" therapy in eradicating PnC.
"Talk therapy often took two, three, four years to treat an incoming freshman," said Named Chair of Sociology Dr. Links Sprecher. "And we didn't reach all of them; the Young Republicans were proof enough of that."
"Like any communicable disease, PnC will keep springing back up if it is not eliminated altogether."
Modest doses of Oxymoron produced positive outcomes within one semester. Chief among them were an end to bothersome classroom debates and to annoying bouts of campus dissent. University faculty were unanimous in the opinion that campus speech was now the freest it has ever been.
"Once we all agree on everything, academic freedom is no longer an issue," said Dean of Very Liberal Arts Norman Thomas. "I was so tired of 'traditional values' being brought up semester after semester."
Some researchers were initially concerned about possible negative side effects of Oxymoron, but those concerns have been allayed.
"While Oxymoron effectively treats narrow-mindedness, we were relieved to find it has no significant effect on close-mindness," said sociobiologist Morris Les.
"It is ironic, and I use that word in its technically correct sense, that a cure for PnC would be found on the campus of a liberal arts university, since political incorrectness was already almost eradicated here," said Professor of Post-Modernity Markus Fischbinder.
Experts estimate that less than five percent of the faculty at major research universities suffer from political incorrectness, as compared to over fifty percent among the general population -- as estimated from recent election results.
During the announcement University officials noted that they have been adding Oxymoron, in addition to sodium flouride, to the campus water system since August.
A spokesperson for campus police and security said not so such much as a pro forma protest demonstration accompanied the Oxymoron public announcement.
GSK to end RLS
Research Triangle Park, N.C. -- Restless Lips Syndrome (RLS), which experts say affects one in four Americans, one in two women, and 95% of all Hollywood stars, will shortly be a thing of the past like smallpox, yellow fever and the black death, say researchers at GlaxoSmithKline.
The new pharmaceutical formulation tradenamed LipLox was a byproduct of research into the causes of lockjaw. That research also generated the frequently prescribed LipLax, which is not only highly effective in treating lockjaw but is proving very successful in diminishing the symptoms of shyness, tongue-tiedness and social inhibition in general.
LipLax has been so effective that across America Toastmasters Clubs have been closing at an unprecedented rate. Trade analysts also say that fees for public speakers of all kinds have collapsed as the dramatic increase in the number of fluent banquet hosts, inspirational speakers, orators and lecturers has flooded the market.
LipLox, say GlaxoSmithKline executives, is just the product to restore balance to the speakers’ market. In addition, if marketed as successfully as LipLax, they say that they expect that LipLox will reduce cell phone usage by as much as 45%.
Even as all across America ordinary citizens, many of whom are still haunted by careless words said last night -- or years ago, hailed the breakthrough, the National Association of Gossip Columnists filed papers in federal court to stop the distribution of the drug saying it will "inhibit the free trade of ideas, one of the bedrock principles on which this nation stands."
Bloggers are also rallying to the print columnists’ cause, saying that this is a “slippery slope,” that any inhibition, chemically induced or not, may prevent the next great idea from ever making it to the light of day.
Groggy72, a blogger from Canton, Ohio, asked this question: “If Thom. Jefferson had taken LipLox, don’t U think maybe we would have gotten ‘Life, Liberty’ but never have gotten to the ‘Pursuit of Happyness’ part?”
The lawsuit is expected to be heard in the United States Court of Appeals, Ninth Circuit in early September.
Gary D. Gaddy is an admirer of Tom Swift, Jonathan Swift and Swift's Premium® Hams and Bacon, but is not, despite his stellar times in the President's Council on Physical Fitness’s 600 yard run, always all that swift himself.
A version of this column first appeared in the Chapel Hill Herald, Thursday March 8, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy